On long days, amazing results

You know the local job search radio commercial that ends with, "Long name, amazing results"? For some reason, when I think "long day," my brain automatically adds "amazing results."

But no one ever gets the joke. Probably because my brain works in mysterious ways.

The past few days have been quite long, as I've embarked on a new adventure: Teacher's College. While the rest of Queen's University's "first" years paint themselves in faculty colours and take part in team-building activities, the professional students in the Bachelor of Education program have already had 3 days of classes. Well... 2, if you don't count the orientation day, which I do, because it was full of amazing life and teaching lessons.

I am ridiculously excited to be back in school. I love learning and so far, all my classes have offered a wonderful balance of lessons and examples of lessons, as may be applied in our future classrooms. The only downfall is that the intensive 8-month program is full. And by full, I mean days with classes that start at 8:30am and end at 6pm, with just about an hour's break for lunch. And Friday is the tightest day in my schedule.

The thing is, your brain is operating at study wavelengths all day long, so while the take-home workload and required preparations are not nearly as demanding as during my Master's, balance is still ever so important to re-energize and regenerate.

Except I haven't finished my thesis yet. I came close, but I am still working on a second draft that needs more and different literature to be threaded throughout the body of work, not just in one chapter, or one paragraph. I also need to re-write the introduction, as I've decided to approach the context-creation segments from a different perspective so as to make my thesis more impactful.

As you may have guessed, it's not going to be an easy task. And yet, I come home every day after school, try to relax while I have dinner, and then jump right into Teacher's College assignments. And if I have any semblance of energy left, I try to further my thesis progress.

Needless to say... It's a slow process. Still, as we have learned, long days lead to amazing results. So I will forgo balance for the next few weeks, until I reach a more comfortable zone in my must-do list. And then... Then I will get to reap the rewards that I have sown and settle into a less hectic lifestyle and enjoy school once more.

On Community Acupuncture at KIHC

For the past few months, I have been working on getting healthier. Health, of course, is more than just physical, so while I try to keep strengthening my knee, I'm also working on my overall well-being.

Upon moving back to Kingston, I asked for recommendations for places with a holistic approach, as I expected a naturopath might be able to look at my whole health picture and make suggestions as to my digestive, knee/joint pain, and anxiety/stress issues.

A friend recommended Kingston Integrated Healthcare (KIHC), and sure enough, they had a team of professionals that are each uniquely suited to address my needs. Between naturopathy, registered massage therapy (it works better than physiotherapy at this point!) and a new discovery for me, community acupuncture, I'm there several times a week.

Acupuncture, of course, is a traditional Chinese medicine healing technique that uses needles inserted at various pressure points to stimulate the flow of qi, or energy, through the body. People have been telling me for years to look into acupuncture for my joint pain, and I mostly brushed them off. I did give it a try a few years ago, when I was doing physiotherapy for a neck issue, and it did absolutely nothing for me. I gave it another go, just in case it was the first time jitters, but again, I felt more tense than anything after my session. I resolved then and there that acupuncture might do amazing things for other people but that it simply wasn't for me.

Boy, was I wrong! KIHC had their annual Open House the weekend after I moved to town. It's not too far from where I live, so I went to visit as a break from un-packing. One of the Open House demonstrations was acupuncture. I figured since I was there anyway - and pretty sure I was going to start seeing a naturopath there - I might as well try it again. It was, after all, free!

What a difference a good practitioner makes! With just a few well-placed needles - rather than covering my body with them! - Dr. Gerann Murphy gave me this incredible feeling of relaxation in just 10 minutes. It was truly a life-changing experience, and I finally understood what everyone has been talking about all these years!

Of course, acupuncture isn't the most accessible of health treatments, so I was thrilled to discover that KIHC offers Community Acupuncture every Monday, from 4:30pm to 6:30pm. Community Acupuncture allows for you to experience a good 20-30-minute session in a "community" room, as in, with other participants. This means everyone stays fully-clothed, and you don't have as much of a one-on-one connection with the practitioner, but you still get the amazing release of the treatment. And for just $30 in cold hard cash! Plus, if you're like me, you show up early and you still do get to chat and determine what you want to work on for that session! And being the first one there means my session ends up being mostly a solo treatment anyway :)

But despite enjoying this one-on-one time, I just had to share my secret with all of you because since I started acupuncture, my knee pain has been exponentially lower. Even in the crazy humidity we've had, I haven't had nearly close to the joint pain I usually experience. In fact, I barely noticed the humidity in my joints. And then there's the emotional release. Every acupuncture session leads to a huge shift in the energy in my body and all the pent up emotions just... flow. There really isn't another word to describe the feeling.

In other words, for $30, it's one of the most wholesome, holistic therapy treatments I've ever experienced. My plan was to go every once in a while, perhaps bi-weekly, but I've been feeling so GOOD lately that I just might have to go every week. It's worth it. Trust me.

PS: For more information about Kingston Integrated HealthCare, check out their website at http://www.kihc.ca. Or ask me about my experience!

PPS: If you're not sure whether naturopathy or acupuncture is for you, KIHC offers free 15-minute consultations with as many practitioners as you would like to speak to and "test" out. I saw a few of the Naturopathic Doctors and Massage Therapists before deciding who to work with.

PPPS: Nope, I haven't been paid for this post in any way. I just truly appreciate the amazing service and experience I've had at KIHC! And I want everyone else to feel this good!!

On The Girls in the Front Row

I just met "The Girls in the Front Row". And I cried.

I recently moved back to Kingston (yey!) and was presented with an opportunity to consult with a local author on publicizing her book, which is approaching a second edition release date. Knowing nothing about the author or the book, I shrugged to myself, and thought, "Why not?" After all, I am always looking for interesting work opportunities, and my interests are so varied that they tend to find me instead! This was one of those chance situations.

The book is called "The Girls in the Front Row" and it was authored by Linda Gayle Ross. It's odd for me to say that she is the author of the book, since the words and the stories, save for one, are not hers. The project, the book itself, and the feelings it elucidates are most definitely hers. But the stories belong to the Girls in the Front Row.

Who are the Girls in the Front Row? They are motherless daughters; women who lost their mothers young, and had to learn to live without that customary bond, and the assumed guidance of the most important role model in a young girl's life. Some were children when their mom died, some were young adults who were just starting families of their own. Now, they are aged between 16 and 90, and they still feel the pain of losing the opportunity to get to know their mom, let along getting to share their own life experiences with her. Their mom never had a chance of becoming a best friend. The girls didn't have that person to share a big smile with from stage during Convocation. They didn't have that person to run to for comfort no matter what was happening in their "real" lives.

Their stories are varied and so are their experiences and their ability to survive and grow after such a traumatic launch into life as a grown-up. But one thing is clear... The Girls in the Front Row have all, in their own way, had to struggle with pain and fear, and insecurity, and, worst of all, lost hope. Because even though many people have estranged or tense relationships with their moms, there is always hope that things may get better.

For the Girls in the Front Row, there is no hope. There is often grief, guilt, anger, and relief, but not hope.

As I was reading, the tears started to flow. Softly, at first, but with every story, my heart trembled a little more. It wasn't truly out of grief or sadness, but because I wished that I could just reach out a hand to hold theirs, give them a hug in their times of need, past and present, and tell them that someone was there for them. Someone who may not fully understand what they are going through but who could support them while they figured it out.

And then I realized how many Girls in the Front Row I know, personally. Also, boys who lost their mothers young, but, that's a different type of bond. Boys, after all, will never need to call Mom at work to ask what kind of tampons to buy in that first menstrual cycle freak-out moment!

The Girls in the Front Row that I know are all courageous, strong, and successful women. They all admire their moms and miss them very much. They have all adopted behaviours or objects or hobbies that remind them of their mothers. But, you know what? As the book makes very obvious, I have never asked them what happened on the day they lost their Mom. How they felt in that moment. And as one Girl in the Front Row points out, that is sad.

So as I wiped the tears from my face and closed the beautiful, emotion-filled book, I decided that the next time I spoke with my Girls in the Front Row, when the moment was right, I would ask them what happened on the day their mom died. And then hug them as they re-live the trauma and let free the feelings that they usually bottle up and keep for company in their day-to-day lives.

To my Girls in the Front Row, thank you for being such an inspiration.

On making choices

I seem to be having an identity crisis these days. I hear it's quite common amongst others in my age group.

Many people have them upon reaching a major milestone or realizing a significant achievement. Some have one earlier in life, and others, much later. Some, like me, have them often. Apparently, it's a personality trait to be constantly searching for new, or bigger and better. Perhaps it is why my interests and ambitions are so varied... It keeps me feeling involved and evolved, growing yet dedicated to the task at hand.

Since the past few months have been so tumultuous for me, it's no wonder that finally submitting my thesis proposal would be a major source of relief. While everything else in my life is still a developing story, meeting my academic deadline is definitely good news. Yet, more than ever, I find myself wondering what's next. One bundle of stress has been replaced by a gazillion others.

Where does my future lie, I ask myself day in and day out. When waking up or trying really hard to fall asleep. When switching tabs and trying to get some work done. When doing the dishes or showering. When... Well, you get the point. It's a major source of worry for me.

As an overthinker and an overanalyzer, I've been picking out all my interests as they peak and asking myself if they're the path I want to follow. I love Kingtson dearly and have made many friends here, but let's face it, my career goals probably require a move. Then again, there's the possibility of staying in Kingston forever and ever, because I love it so.

I'll let you in on a not-so-secret... While I've been working on my Masters', I've also been applying to jobs that would fall under the "dream" category. Social media consultant positions in the sports industry, marketing, communications or social media director with pro sports organizations, even reporting at the London 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games. Some applications have gone further than others - sometimes quite surprisingly! - but in the end, all roads have led to disappointment and doubt. Perhaps it's the "ongoing research" part of my CV or the tiny little fact that I can't legally work in the USA unless someone sponsors me. Or maybe I just suck at writing captivating cover letters for an HR audience - I do tend to aim them more towards Senior VPs. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not good enough.

Because after all, that's the thought that always sparks identity crises, whether on the personal or professional front. "Maybe I'm not good enough."

And the worst part is, there's no way of truly getting an honest, accurate answer. People will rarely tell you to your face, and though rejection letters seem to be saying that you're not, we've all learned by now that sometimes, it's just because you weren't the right person at the right place at the right time who knows the right insider. Or at least, that's what they tell me. That and, "Don't give up!" or "Sometimes you have to take a step back to take a step forward," or any other similar supposedly encouraging clichés.

Let me be blunt. I am not a spoiled, stuck-up brat who thinks the world should be handed to me on a platter. But I've done my due diligence, and I'm tired of entry level positions that go nowhere. I know I can do the job, anyone who's ever worked with me knows I can do the job, heck! Even random network contacts on Twitter know I can do the job! And yet this road seems to lead nowhere. It's hard not to get discouraged. I will keep applying, but there's only so much disappointment and rejection one can take.

And so one must explore other avenues. Yes, I still crave work in the sports industry. I crave it like I do chocolate when I'm PMSing (or any time, really.) But the world doesn't stop spinning or wait for you to understand precisely what it is you need to get that little boost, gain that tiny little edge, and get you where you want and need to be to feel fulfilled professionally.

Other roads that seem to hold this promise include the previous mentioned "Stay in Kingston forever because I love it" scenario as well as the brand new and surprising (to me) "Pursue a PhD" option.

No, really! The girl who was afraid of completing a thesis is still here, but she is now freaking out about comps (comprehensive examinations), committing to a long-term research idea instead of a spontaneous one, quantitative courses like Statistics and Variables, and, more urgently, taking the GMAT or GRE standardized test. That's the big one. The barrier to entry, so to speak. At least from way over here, comps seem relatively benign in comparison to the big, looming, "better score high or forget about it" standardized test.

Yes, I'm aware there are courses and study guides and practice tests. Still. Fellow graduate students, when was the last time you took a closed book, closed environment exam? (Don't answer that, MBAs!) It's a scary scenario when it's been a while, and yet one I'm increasingly strongly considering. Or at least exploring. I've still got a thesis to write, after all, and I would really prefer a program that allowed me flexibility in my course plan so that I feel intellectually stimulated and challenged in all the right ways. And like I'm finally on track. So if you're aware of any excellent innovative Sports Management PhD programs in Canada or the USA, I'm all ears!

And then there's the Kingston plan. I've said it before (at least twice in this post alone!), I <3 Kingston. There's something about it that's charming and exciting. Perhaps the mix of old and new, the blend of city and country. Whatever it is, it repeatedly fills me with joy and childlike glee. Maybe I could build a life in Kingston, I think. Consult (social media), communicate (PR), start a business (CarShare Kingston). All three options are interesting and viable and have been suggested to me by other Kingston residents as well. But these feelings are eerily similar to ones I've felt before about the media industry and the sports industry, and we all know how that's working out.

If I were to choose Kingston, I think I would run for City Councillor in 2014, the next municipal elections. It would be interesting, challenging, stimulating, and it would make me feel like I'm accomplishing something important by representing my fellow residents at City Hall. It would also be a responsibility I would wholeheartedly enjoy and dedicate myself too.

These traits are also the ones friends and colleagues point out when I mention the possibility of doing a PhD. "You like research and you're good at it." It's true. I love digging, discovering, and sharing. I've often been told I would be a good teacher. I would like to think I'd be a better professor - I'd be teaching people who, for the most part, are in my classroom by choice. The only aspect of academia that I'm not 100% in tune with is the highly political process of funding applications and other higher education administrative games.

Maybe I'm an idealist, but I believe that most research has value, and that should be enough for funding agencies. I'm not sure where the money should come from, but I just don't like the thought of competing against my friends and colleagues every year, not just for money but for tenure. It gets to be damaging. Sure, I'm pretty competitive and I like to win. But I also like harmonious working environments and I feel like this process fosters quite the opposite in most departments.

In the end, I may choose a completely different path, perhaps one that hasn't even been revealed to me yet. Meanwhile, I'm struggling with the three roads in front of me. Doing nothing is not an option, though delaying a choice by defaulting to Kingston might be. At as now, there is no pressing urge to commit to a single road - except to stop the clock in my head from ticking annoyingly - and I will keep marching along on all three for as long as I can. But ultimately, a choice must be made, and as application deadlines creep increasingly closer, I must at least decide whether I will be deciding now or not.

Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I'm just letting various sources of stress gang up on me, overwhelming and confusing me. But this identity crisis is as real as any, and the planner in me wants to know now, so at least I can cross certain items of my to-do list, thereby reducing overall stress levels and allowing life to proceed at a totally tolerable, no longer terrible, operationally cautionary rhythm and rate.

As Douglas Adams would say, "DON'T PANIC!"

On Time

A whole month has gone by, it seems, and these days more than ever, I am aware of the passing of time. It's not just the minutes and seconds of every day that seem to expire too fast or too slow, it is the implications of those moments.

In the past month, I've seen so many different explorations of "time". Not enough time in a day. Too much time to do something. Having the time of your life. At this point in time. Time goes by. In time. On time. Long-time. Feels like the first time. Time-sensitive material. Timely answers. Bedtime. Timeless magic. Having time to kill. Time standing still. Things changing over time. Overtime. Taking the time. Perfectly timed comebacks. Keeping time. Love that will last for all time. Until the end of time. In the meantime. Timing. Time management. Time-tracking. Time and time again. Time out.

Time to change.

That's the kicker, ain't it? No matter how time seems to be moving around you, it always boils down to deciding whether or not to change (tasks, ways of thinking, position, feelings...).

In the past month, I've had some wonderful times and some stressful times. Emotional times too. I went to the Taylor Swift concert in Montreal with an amazing friend, and also got to spend time with my family. I went to my cousin's beautiful wedding weekend and got to meet, re-meet and simply enjoy the company of my extended family. I took the time to explore Kingston a little bit more, the hidden sights and the touristy ones, alone, with a local friend, and with a visiting long-time friend. And through it all, I had the time of my life.

In the past month, I have also wished that time could just stop for a bit so I could catch up, catch my breath, and catch on. My health symptoms seem to have stabilised for the most part... until I get sudden, painful reminders that we haven't discovered their source or cause yet. Tests have ruled out some of the more obvious answers so now we're left wondering and doing more tests. At least I'm not spending half my day in the washroom anymore, at least not every day. But not knowing what foods to avoid and what is "safe" is definitely a pain - I can't predict when I will feel sick so I've adopted the bad habit of delaying eating to avoid symptoms. Not cool.

One of the tests we did was an allergy test. I've always been allergic to all the common triggers - dust, mold, pets, pollen, ragweed - but I wanted to get re-tested to see if the combination of never-ending allergy shots as a child and puberty might have desensitized me to some of those allergens. I also wanted to find out if I really was allergic to asparagus, as we'd suspected since the age of 2, when I had my first asthma attack after having it as my "new food of the day". Sure enough, some of my pollen allergies had disappeared over time. And I was so allergic to asparagus that I now have a couple of Epipens and am getting a MedicAlert bracelet - at least they're prettier these days then when I was a child! Also, the allergist tested my breathing, which was apparently not under control. Asthma meds have been upped but at least now that the doctor has prescribed additional measures, I can't be lazy about it. Time to turn the negative into the positive!

In the past month, I've also had some stressful times, trying to figure out if Queen's University and the Faculty Association will come to an agreement in time and avoid a strike or lockout. We should know more in the coming days, when the "No Board" deadline is activated. In the meantime, job action measures are creating delays not only in services but in my ability to get work done. It's hard to feel confident about investing time into putting together a thesis proposal when you know that if you have a quick question, you're going to have to wait a long time for an answer - two weeks turnaround time, to be exact. So I've been procrastinating, which no doubt has led to more stress. Tack on the stress of my health issues, making ends meet financially, the discovery of mold (which I'm allergic to) in my apartment (but that my landlord will likely do nothing about) and Pharaoh Ants (which are the hardest to get rid of, though my traps have been quite effective so far) in my kitchen, and you've got a bundle of sleepy, sleepless, restless, nerves. (That's me!)

Over time, stress leads to anxiety and other hyper-emotional reactions, so everything seems to have a heightened impact. Which leads to more stress, of course, and a greater desire for a time out from life. But "in real life", there are no time outs. So it's time to change. Time to buckle up and get my ducks in a row. Yes, work/life balance is important. Yes, a healthy mind thrives in a healthy body. But since I can't seem to control the body part of that equation, I'm going to focus on the mind. I'm going to take the time I need to reset myself - in effect, taking a "real life" time out - by letting others help me manage my time. I'm going to crawl back to Mommy and Daddy and let them take care of me for a little bit of time, and I'm not afraid to say so or ashamed of it.

Because time doesn't stand still.

Time is going by so quickly and I need more time in my day to make sure I get my work done on time. And at this point in time, it's time that I acknowledge the passage of time and take advantage of the little time that I have left to take a young adult time-out before it's time for me to be giving them out. And then, you can be sure that I won't have time to kill.

All in good time!

On calluses

Ah, calluses! You build them up, you bite them off, then build them up all over again.

Of course, I'm talking about the calluses on your fingers. It's probably unsanitary to bite off the calluses on your feet, and gross too. Calluses, as you probably know, are a thickened area of skin that has become hard due to irritation or pressure or repetitive use. For example, some people get calluses on their middle fingers from writing too much - I remember those from grade school essay/exam periods! Most people get calluses on their feet: the body's attempt to prevent the formation of blisters. Athletes get calluses too - whether it's from the monkey bars in the park, rock climbing, or rowing, to name but a few.

Everyone grows calluses at some point in their life. Sometimes, you're proud of them - like when it doesn't hurt to lace up your skates anymore. Sometimes, you'd rather not have them at all - like when they're painful or turn into corns. But usually, calluses are good for you.

I've developed a set of calluses on my fingers that I'm particularly proud of. They come from playing the guitar, an exercise that I keep trying to get into but often tend to neglect when "life" happens. I'm happy to say that since living in Kingston and arguably taking on more tasks, chores and responsibilities than ever before - at least in my personal life - I have been able to find more time for guitar playing.

I have been working on my chords, on musical sequences (or as I like to call them "switching fast"), as well as on picking. The latter needs a whole lot more work. The rest is progressing nicely. Recently, I figured out that I was playing the G chord wrong. I was hitting all the right spots but found it hard to "switch" from a G to a Bm, for example. It wasn't that my finger placement was wrong, per se. It's just that in some (many) cases, there was a more optimal placement option. My version works best for G-C-D songs, and playing with simple chords that are located on the first few frets. Throw in a chord that needs to be barred, like something in the F family, and I had a hard time making the switch in time.

Still, the fact that after all these years of attempting to get better at the guitar I've finally reached this level of understanding of my playing habits makes me ecstatic. It's going to take a lot of practice to break the habit, but at least I know what I need to work on. This means that I am not only finding the time to take care of myself outside of work (and by work, I mean school work, volunteer work, household work and paid work), but also that I'm finding the time to disconnect from technology and all that it encompasses (aka the pressures of deadlines, to-do lists, and social media) and reconnecting with my artistic side, and therefore, with myself.

It's interesting how once you open the door for music or any other form of art, you see poetry all around you. Life becomes lighter and more enjoyable, and high pressure situations are no longer do-or-die. Being one with my guitar, even if it's just for one hour a week, has sprouted some hope in me. Not the kind of hope that you get from seeing everyday life as beautiful - that I get all the time. Well, most of the time.

I'm talking about the hope that comes from knowing that in that moment, when you're fully immersed in the music, even if you're focusing on playing the chord just right and remembering the right lyrics and executing it all properly... for that one moment, there is nothing that matters other than you.

Just you. There is no outside pressure, no one tugging at your shirtsleeve (not even your subconscious!) and most importantly, there is a sense of peace and acceptance that this moment is as it is and cannot be changed or controlled or extended. It is, then it was, and it never will be again... and that's not a bad thing.

I think that it's important to find the trigger for this kind of appreciation of life and the space-time continuum. (Yes, I had to make this post somewhat geeky!) When I first started approaching yoga as a combination of physical activity and mind relaxation, I would get this same sort of feeling in the middle of a particularly stretchy sequence of cat & dog (or cat & cow, if that's how you like to call it.) But after time, that disappeared.

I am delighted to have once again found a trigger for this special moment and would like to speculate that it seems to require an enlightenment of more than one function - whether it's the mind/body duality or the music/learning combination. It needs to have both a work and relaxation aspect in order to be powerful. I'm sure some of you are thinking of sex right about now, but I would encourage everyone to find their own trigger aside from sex, which, clearly, does not always leave one with the hassle-free mind we're seeking, or the world would be even more overpopulated than it already is. Find something that calms you and brings you to your sense of oneness. Embrace the moment and harvest the rewards you will get from investing time and effort into that activity, whatever it may be.

And on that note, I'm off to restore some balance into this day by playing some guitar. Burn, calluses, burn!