On vague reflections

Sometimes, the answer is not where you expect to find it. It's not what you've been building up to or what you've worked so hard to accomplish.

Sometimes, finding the answer means going back to the beginning, to your origin story, to see where you belong.

Sometimes, the answer is right in front of you and has been all along. You just couldn't see it because you didn't know you could, or even that it existed.

Sometimes, the answer is something you didn't ever think possible, so you abandoned it long ago. But when the universe opens up that opportunity to you once more, you cannot ignore it.

Sometimes, the answer is doing what you always wanted to do but never thought you could, though you always knew you could, and that you would be good at it, if you could.

I think I have found my answer. And though it will be scary and hard to let go of everything I have become, I don't see how I can live with myself if I don't try.

Because if I succeed, I think I can truly have it all.

Fingers crossed!

On making choices

I seem to be having an identity crisis these days. I hear it's quite common amongst others in my age group.

Many people have them upon reaching a major milestone or realizing a significant achievement. Some have one earlier in life, and others, much later. Some, like me, have them often. Apparently, it's a personality trait to be constantly searching for new, or bigger and better. Perhaps it is why my interests and ambitions are so varied... It keeps me feeling involved and evolved, growing yet dedicated to the task at hand.

Since the past few months have been so tumultuous for me, it's no wonder that finally submitting my thesis proposal would be a major source of relief. While everything else in my life is still a developing story, meeting my academic deadline is definitely good news. Yet, more than ever, I find myself wondering what's next. One bundle of stress has been replaced by a gazillion others.

Where does my future lie, I ask myself day in and day out. When waking up or trying really hard to fall asleep. When switching tabs and trying to get some work done. When doing the dishes or showering. When... Well, you get the point. It's a major source of worry for me.

As an overthinker and an overanalyzer, I've been picking out all my interests as they peak and asking myself if they're the path I want to follow. I love Kingtson dearly and have made many friends here, but let's face it, my career goals probably require a move. Then again, there's the possibility of staying in Kingston forever and ever, because I love it so.

I'll let you in on a not-so-secret... While I've been working on my Masters', I've also been applying to jobs that would fall under the "dream" category. Social media consultant positions in the sports industry, marketing, communications or social media director with pro sports organizations, even reporting at the London 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games. Some applications have gone further than others - sometimes quite surprisingly! - but in the end, all roads have led to disappointment and doubt. Perhaps it's the "ongoing research" part of my CV or the tiny little fact that I can't legally work in the USA unless someone sponsors me. Or maybe I just suck at writing captivating cover letters for an HR audience - I do tend to aim them more towards Senior VPs. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not good enough.

Because after all, that's the thought that always sparks identity crises, whether on the personal or professional front. "Maybe I'm not good enough."

And the worst part is, there's no way of truly getting an honest, accurate answer. People will rarely tell you to your face, and though rejection letters seem to be saying that you're not, we've all learned by now that sometimes, it's just because you weren't the right person at the right place at the right time who knows the right insider. Or at least, that's what they tell me. That and, "Don't give up!" or "Sometimes you have to take a step back to take a step forward," or any other similar supposedly encouraging clichés.

Let me be blunt. I am not a spoiled, stuck-up brat who thinks the world should be handed to me on a platter. But I've done my due diligence, and I'm tired of entry level positions that go nowhere. I know I can do the job, anyone who's ever worked with me knows I can do the job, heck! Even random network contacts on Twitter know I can do the job! And yet this road seems to lead nowhere. It's hard not to get discouraged. I will keep applying, but there's only so much disappointment and rejection one can take.

And so one must explore other avenues. Yes, I still crave work in the sports industry. I crave it like I do chocolate when I'm PMSing (or any time, really.) But the world doesn't stop spinning or wait for you to understand precisely what it is you need to get that little boost, gain that tiny little edge, and get you where you want and need to be to feel fulfilled professionally.

Other roads that seem to hold this promise include the previous mentioned "Stay in Kingston forever because I love it" scenario as well as the brand new and surprising (to me) "Pursue a PhD" option.

No, really! The girl who was afraid of completing a thesis is still here, but she is now freaking out about comps (comprehensive examinations), committing to a long-term research idea instead of a spontaneous one, quantitative courses like Statistics and Variables, and, more urgently, taking the GMAT or GRE standardized test. That's the big one. The barrier to entry, so to speak. At least from way over here, comps seem relatively benign in comparison to the big, looming, "better score high or forget about it" standardized test.

Yes, I'm aware there are courses and study guides and practice tests. Still. Fellow graduate students, when was the last time you took a closed book, closed environment exam? (Don't answer that, MBAs!) It's a scary scenario when it's been a while, and yet one I'm increasingly strongly considering. Or at least exploring. I've still got a thesis to write, after all, and I would really prefer a program that allowed me flexibility in my course plan so that I feel intellectually stimulated and challenged in all the right ways. And like I'm finally on track. So if you're aware of any excellent innovative Sports Management PhD programs in Canada or the USA, I'm all ears!

And then there's the Kingston plan. I've said it before (at least twice in this post alone!), I <3 Kingston. There's something about it that's charming and exciting. Perhaps the mix of old and new, the blend of city and country. Whatever it is, it repeatedly fills me with joy and childlike glee. Maybe I could build a life in Kingston, I think. Consult (social media), communicate (PR), start a business (CarShare Kingston). All three options are interesting and viable and have been suggested to me by other Kingston residents as well. But these feelings are eerily similar to ones I've felt before about the media industry and the sports industry, and we all know how that's working out.

If I were to choose Kingston, I think I would run for City Councillor in 2014, the next municipal elections. It would be interesting, challenging, stimulating, and it would make me feel like I'm accomplishing something important by representing my fellow residents at City Hall. It would also be a responsibility I would wholeheartedly enjoy and dedicate myself too.

These traits are also the ones friends and colleagues point out when I mention the possibility of doing a PhD. "You like research and you're good at it." It's true. I love digging, discovering, and sharing. I've often been told I would be a good teacher. I would like to think I'd be a better professor - I'd be teaching people who, for the most part, are in my classroom by choice. The only aspect of academia that I'm not 100% in tune with is the highly political process of funding applications and other higher education administrative games.

Maybe I'm an idealist, but I believe that most research has value, and that should be enough for funding agencies. I'm not sure where the money should come from, but I just don't like the thought of competing against my friends and colleagues every year, not just for money but for tenure. It gets to be damaging. Sure, I'm pretty competitive and I like to win. But I also like harmonious working environments and I feel like this process fosters quite the opposite in most departments.

In the end, I may choose a completely different path, perhaps one that hasn't even been revealed to me yet. Meanwhile, I'm struggling with the three roads in front of me. Doing nothing is not an option, though delaying a choice by defaulting to Kingston might be. At as now, there is no pressing urge to commit to a single road - except to stop the clock in my head from ticking annoyingly - and I will keep marching along on all three for as long as I can. But ultimately, a choice must be made, and as application deadlines creep increasingly closer, I must at least decide whether I will be deciding now or not.

Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I'm just letting various sources of stress gang up on me, overwhelming and confusing me. But this identity crisis is as real as any, and the planner in me wants to know now, so at least I can cross certain items of my to-do list, thereby reducing overall stress levels and allowing life to proceed at a totally tolerable, no longer terrible, operationally cautionary rhythm and rate.

As Douglas Adams would say, "DON'T PANIC!"

On grieving

It surprises me that I still grieve for my friend's mom. Sure, we had a close relationship at one time, but not in the past few years. Kristin Walker passed away one week ago, peacefully, surrounded by 15 family members in a palliative care unit. After her third (I think?) bout with breast cancer, she couldn't fight anymore. It had metastesized over the years, slowly attacking her major organs. Liver. Lungs. Brain. One by one, they fell.

Kristin was more than my friend's mom. She was my ex-boyfriend's mom, and so, a surrogate mom for me, at one point in my life. I spent a considerable amount of time in her home and knew her family and loved ones very well. At one point, they were my friends and family too. In her last week, they tried to contact me. My Facebook issues made that very difficult. My ex, as usual, was not very forthcoming with information. To be fair, he had other things on his mind. He emailed me with the news on Sunday. His family didn't know I had finally been reached.

I should have known something was going on. I should have trusted my instincts. In the past few weeks, I kept feeling like I should call him, or at least text or email to see what was going on in his life. I kept putting it off. I dread awkward conversations. Many do. But I should have known. I should have listened to my pestering inner voice instead of not so subconsciously forgetting to follow through.

I wish I had gotten to say goodbye. It pains me to know that I was wanted and couldn't be there. Especially since I was only 20 minutes away by car, having gone home for an Easter visit. I wish I had known. I wish I could have wordlessly touched her hand and transferred some of my positive energy to her. Just in case it would have made a difference.

The funny thing is that I had been thinking of her all weekend. The first time I met Kristin was at a family Easter brunch. My first encounter with the Walkers. I remember it well. I remember the exact table we sat at in the restaurant, the way she looked at me. I remember her hair. I remember stressing over what to wear. I remember what I wore and I remember the warmth. The funny thing is that memory kept coming back to me. Now Easter will always be a time to remember her, even moreso than before.

I wish I could have stayed for the funeral. I wish I could have been at the wake. Because of the distance, I couldn't even bake. I ordered from a local bakery and a nearby friend - an angel - delivered them instead. She described Kristin's mom's reaction to me later over Twitter. No one should have to bury their child, no matter how young or how old. That's not the way life's energy is supposed to flow. We're supposed to grow.

It all comes back to the same place, I suppose. Kristin's life impacted that of everyone she encountered. That's just the way she was. She was a wild spirit and though everyone has their faults, she was rarely malicious. Manipulative, perhaps, but all strong spirits are. That's what makes them so feisty, so full of fire. That's what makes them who they are.

It's fitting that Kristin's wake should have taken place on the day of the Royal Wedding. She would have loved to watch it, in her pyjamas in her living room, or perhaps even in bed. She probably would have called a bunch of her friends as she watched. Gossiping. Gasping. Giggling.

Instead, all her friends came to watch her. At least she isn't suffering anymore, that much we know. At least she's not worrying anymore, she doesn't have to know. It was her time to go. And in a few weeks, we will party in her honour once more, celebrating her life, marking her death, and sharing memories that will help her live on forever in our hearts, in our heads.

Kristin, you were loved. And you will be missed.

On love

A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon the TV show "Double Exposure". It's about two world-renown fashion photographers who dysfunctionally work together even though they're no longer romantically involved. As you can expect, there are quite a few heated discussions. Still, these two obviously love each other. In fact, in this episode, Indrani tells her former lover, Markus Klinko:

"I love you too much to be in a relationship with you."

This sentiment especially resonated with me. Take a moment to think about it. It's one of those "so true" statements. And it got me thinking... in this context, what is love? How do you differentiate love that feels like a relationship but isn't?

Over the next few days, I pondered this question. It wasn't an active thought-process but something that popped into my head every now and then. So, without further ado, here are some of the reflections that came to me in my meditation:

LOVE

♥ does not need to be defined to be true

♥ waits for you to open your heart to it

♥ teaches you to let go & live

♥ is the fire that ignites your dreams & fills you with hope

♥ lights up your heart & everything around you

♥ makes you SMILE!

Hope your hearts are full of love today and all year long.

♥

On calluses

Ah, calluses! You build them up, you bite them off, then build them up all over again.

Of course, I'm talking about the calluses on your fingers. It's probably unsanitary to bite off the calluses on your feet, and gross too. Calluses, as you probably know, are a thickened area of skin that has become hard due to irritation or pressure or repetitive use. For example, some people get calluses on their middle fingers from writing too much - I remember those from grade school essay/exam periods! Most people get calluses on their feet: the body's attempt to prevent the formation of blisters. Athletes get calluses too - whether it's from the monkey bars in the park, rock climbing, or rowing, to name but a few.

Everyone grows calluses at some point in their life. Sometimes, you're proud of them - like when it doesn't hurt to lace up your skates anymore. Sometimes, you'd rather not have them at all - like when they're painful or turn into corns. But usually, calluses are good for you.

I've developed a set of calluses on my fingers that I'm particularly proud of. They come from playing the guitar, an exercise that I keep trying to get into but often tend to neglect when "life" happens. I'm happy to say that since living in Kingston and arguably taking on more tasks, chores and responsibilities than ever before - at least in my personal life - I have been able to find more time for guitar playing.

I have been working on my chords, on musical sequences (or as I like to call them "switching fast"), as well as on picking. The latter needs a whole lot more work. The rest is progressing nicely. Recently, I figured out that I was playing the G chord wrong. I was hitting all the right spots but found it hard to "switch" from a G to a Bm, for example. It wasn't that my finger placement was wrong, per se. It's just that in some (many) cases, there was a more optimal placement option. My version works best for G-C-D songs, and playing with simple chords that are located on the first few frets. Throw in a chord that needs to be barred, like something in the F family, and I had a hard time making the switch in time.

Still, the fact that after all these years of attempting to get better at the guitar I've finally reached this level of understanding of my playing habits makes me ecstatic. It's going to take a lot of practice to break the habit, but at least I know what I need to work on. This means that I am not only finding the time to take care of myself outside of work (and by work, I mean school work, volunteer work, household work and paid work), but also that I'm finding the time to disconnect from technology and all that it encompasses (aka the pressures of deadlines, to-do lists, and social media) and reconnecting with my artistic side, and therefore, with myself.

It's interesting how once you open the door for music or any other form of art, you see poetry all around you. Life becomes lighter and more enjoyable, and high pressure situations are no longer do-or-die. Being one with my guitar, even if it's just for one hour a week, has sprouted some hope in me. Not the kind of hope that you get from seeing everyday life as beautiful - that I get all the time. Well, most of the time.

I'm talking about the hope that comes from knowing that in that moment, when you're fully immersed in the music, even if you're focusing on playing the chord just right and remembering the right lyrics and executing it all properly... for that one moment, there is nothing that matters other than you.

Just you. There is no outside pressure, no one tugging at your shirtsleeve (not even your subconscious!) and most importantly, there is a sense of peace and acceptance that this moment is as it is and cannot be changed or controlled or extended. It is, then it was, and it never will be again... and that's not a bad thing.

I think that it's important to find the trigger for this kind of appreciation of life and the space-time continuum. (Yes, I had to make this post somewhat geeky!) When I first started approaching yoga as a combination of physical activity and mind relaxation, I would get this same sort of feeling in the middle of a particularly stretchy sequence of cat & dog (or cat & cow, if that's how you like to call it.) But after time, that disappeared.

I am delighted to have once again found a trigger for this special moment and would like to speculate that it seems to require an enlightenment of more than one function - whether it's the mind/body duality or the music/learning combination. It needs to have both a work and relaxation aspect in order to be powerful. I'm sure some of you are thinking of sex right about now, but I would encourage everyone to find their own trigger aside from sex, which, clearly, does not always leave one with the hassle-free mind we're seeking, or the world would be even more overpopulated than it already is. Find something that calms you and brings you to your sense of oneness. Embrace the moment and harvest the rewards you will get from investing time and effort into that activity, whatever it may be.

And on that note, I'm off to restore some balance into this day by playing some guitar. Burn, calluses, burn!

On Falling in Love

Why do we fall in love?

Boy or girl, we are naturally programmed to seek out that fairytale ending, our "happily ever after". More often than not, it ends in disaster and pain, but we keep trying, hoping we'll find "the one" some day.

When you meet someone you think you would like to date, do you get excited? Don't deny it... Being with that person makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. You can't help but wonder how you would be together, if the search is finally over, if this is it, the moment you fall in love for the last time, "the one". Unless, of course, it's a purely physical attraction and those are your intentions from the start. But disregarding that option, if you're looking for a relationship, you might wonder about the future.

For some, these initial long-term thoughts are a test. Do I see myself with this person? Could we still have fun hanging out after the initial spark is gone? Will we be holding hands as we grow old?

It might sound sappy, but it's true. We all do it. It's an internal response system that is meant to help you reject the insufficient options so you don't waste your time. It's not just psychological, in fact, it's more likely biological. After all, male or female, the clock is ticking. There's a sense of urgency to finally finding the security of life-long company, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, independent or co-dependent, whether you've already built a life for yourself or are just laying down the foundations for your future.

We long for the company of a warm body on a cold winter night, for snuggles by the fireplace and a hand to hold as you walk through the park, someone to share ice cream with on a hot summer's day, someone to comfort you when you're mad or sad and tell you that it's going to be alright. We cannot help but look for it, though we know that it's only when we stop searching that we truly open ourselves up to love, and to being loved.

Why this compulsion that so often leads us in the wrong direction? There is nothing positive about settling for a relationship that is stagnant and prevents you from growing. It's a waste of time and yet we do it anyway. Why do people so often stay in abusive relationships? We convince ourselves that it's not so bad, that our partner doesn't really have that many faults, that he/she doesn't really mean to hurt us, and that maybe, just maybe, we could be a little more patient, give a little bit more, and then, it just might work.

Human beings are lazy, yes, but we don't like to give up. Nobody likes to feel like a failure. We have a hard time admitting that it's just not working. That's why break-ups are so hard, for both sides. No matter how much or how little you've invested in the relationship, by breaking up, you're admitting that you were wrong, it was a waste of time and, more importantly, that your search isn't over. The dreams go out the window when you hear the words: "I'm sorry, you're not the one." And every time, you grieve, as if it was. In your mind, you had already committed your heart and soul. You had already fallen in love. And now, you've lost it all: what you had, what you could have had, what you thought you had. Time to start from scratch, rev up your engine, folks, because the harsh dispiriting search is back on.

It's why we have rebounds. And relapses.

We just cannot fathom being alone, not having someone to share special moments with, not having someone to grow old with, not having someone to die with.

We are afraid of being alone, no matter how much we enjoy it. We'd like to have our alone time during the day but come home to a warm, occupied bed. We want to have it all.

And that's why relationships fail. Because we're trying too hard to convince ourselves that it's the right match. Because we don't want to keep searching, because that's too hard, on the heart, on the mind, on the body... Because we'd rather have the knowledge that things aren't perfect but at least we've got someone to call. Because we'd rather have something than nothing at all.

We fall in love, right or wrong, whether we want to or not, because we need to. Because the very definition of being human is to seek out comfort and acceptance and love. Because it's a biological longing to procreate and to leave something of yourself behind when you go. Even though it means more tears than smiles, more heartaches and crying, more desperation and more pain, we keep trying to fall in love, keep hoping this is "the one", keep searching for our fairytale ending, our "happily ever after".

Why do we fall in love? Because we don't have a choice.

On Linking

I am a sponge. I absorb knowledge and I can't stop sucking it all in, even when I'm full. It's an unquenchable thirst, a never ending search.

People say I post cool links. Whether it's on Twitter, on Facebook or by email, they laugh, cry and wonder along with the variety of stories I help them discover. The truth is, as with anything else in life that is successful, I have a little help from my friends.

I don't find all these stories by myself - I'd never sleep! No, instead I rely on a well-knit network of sources who provide me with the most interesting articles in their niche and other stories that tickle their fancy.

Back in the days before Twitter, I did a lot more link exploring than I do now, but mostly because I wasn't satisfied with just the stories my Facebook friends posted (no offence!). My RSS feeds weren't enough to keep me occupied either. So I browsed Yahoo! News -gotta love their oddities section! - and clicked through Propeller and other sites I stumbled upon through previously linked stories.

But Twitter! Ah, Twitter changed everything! Now I have access to a wealth of stories in all kinds of interesting fields and - dare I say it? - sometimes too many articles to read! I often end up simply browsing before retweeting or Facebook posting, and then I'm forced to awkwardly add a belated comment on the story. (The secret is out!)

Still, I do end up reading everything I post, though certain links sometimes remain on my desktop all day or taunt me annoyingly from a perpetually open browser window.

At least I've evolved from my early Facebook years, when I felt almost compelled to post nearly every story I came across. It's a wonder my friends didn't de-friend me for spamming them with links! (Although in those days I guess they didn't really have to see them if they didn't want to).

I've often thought of turning this obsession into a potentially profitable venture. Why not collect all the cool stories I find and turn my blog into a news wire of sorts? Because then I would be forced to comment on each and every link when some of them deserve nothing more than a "Heh. Interesting." or are posted more for general knowledge than life-enhancing purposes.

Someone recently suggested to me that I might use my link-finding talents while hosting a radio show. Sure, that could be fun. But then the pressure of finding cool, creative and original stories each and every day would definitely take the enjoyment out of it. And who needs all that extra stress?

The fact remains that I post stories because I'm interested in them or because I think people should know about them. It is a truly selfish endeavour, at once feeding my incessant need to know (NOW!) and making me look fairly sociable - not to mention knowledgeable!

So while I have my reasons for retweeting and reposting, I am left with a feeling of emptiness at the end of the day, when my prolific sharing has resulted in no interesting conversations or additional sharing by others. Which is why I always appreciate the "likes" on Facebook... Simple and to the point: it can loosely be translated into a "This is cool, thanks for posting!"

And since I post mostly for me (now that I've gotten over my awkward Facebook adolescence stage), it always warms my heart to hear someone say in a private conversation when I'm starting to think no one is reading: "I really enjoy all the links you post." These comments are always exquisitely timed and give me a renewed enthusiasm for sharing what I think is cool with my little slice of the world.

But I wonder... Why do you post links?

P.S.: You're welcome.

Only the Lonely

I had an absolutely wonderful weekend.

A bunch of my friends and fellow Habs fans from various places in North America congregated to Montreal so we could all enjoy a couple of days of hockey, friendship and good food.

And it was fabulous. From the tunes on Friday night, to hockey pool picks on Saturday afternoon, to a delicious Italian dinner and, of course, Habs vs. Rangers at the Bell Centre at 7pm, we all had a ball.

And now, I'm sad.

I'm sad because my friends have left town and this city I call home feels a little bit colder now that they're gone. Even on this beautiful sunny Sunday with its crisp autumn air (and winds gusting up to 50km/h!!), I felt lonelier than on those previous bone-chilling, wet, rainy days.

With all the turbulence in my friendships in recent times, from those that ended because of lack of commitment or a misunderstanding, to those that turned out to be less substantial than I thought they were, to the one-sided friendships, and the relationships that have become simply friendships... Well, it's sure been a lot to take in. I have learned a lot, grown from my experience, and am ready to move on.

But having all these wonderful people around for the past couple of days, real friends, who care about you in the good times and the bad, who check up on you even with an email or chat, who only see you once a year yet know you so well...

These are the friendships I cherish the most. These are the friendships I am so blessed to have. These are the friendships that leave a void. These are the friendships that only the lonely know.

(Incidentally, you can read the excellent Habs-related rants and raves of one of my aforementioned friends at The H does NOT stand for Habs).

Giving Thanks

This weekend is Canadian Thanksgiving. Which differs by other Thanksgiving celebrations only by date, as the concept remains the same.

What do I have to give thanks for?

Well, after a tumultuous week that involved a lot of disillusionment in the spheres of love, friendship, and professional advancement, it has been tough for me to smile and laugh as much as I usually do. And the rainy days didn't help.

Still, I have much to be thankful about.

I have a roof over my head, food in my belly, and really, it's not all bad. I don't worry about how I will survive the next day, if I'll still be alive in a month, or if my parents'll get mugged on the way home from work.

I lead a pretty good life, and as much as this past week has been trying, I cannot honestly say that I was ever in danger of not getting through it.

I am disappointed in many ways, but that's just the way the dice rolls. I truly believe that everything in life happens for a reason, and though it is sometimes tough to remember that when one door closes another opens - especially when you're in the thick of it all! - I know that with a little bit of patience, time and understanding, I'll be back to my old self in no time. I'll be more than okay. I'll be fantastic. It'll be great.

So on this weekend when we take the time to be thankful, I would like to count my blessings. Thank you for my home and my family, thank you for true friends and honesty, thank you for warmth and comfort, for the chirping birds, the shinning sun, the rustling leaves and the trees, the wind, the water, the earth and fire. Thank you for the ability to smell, touch, taste, hear and see. Thank you for the opportunities I have, the privileges I have been given, and the gifts I have received that allow me to function the way I do, to be the way I am... thank you for making me "me".

Thanks for making me laugh and smile, thank you for my health and that of those who are important to me. Thank you for the little joys in life, for giggling babies and happy brides, for mind-blowing TV shows and exciting movies, for music that moves you and books that teach as they entertain you. Thanks for my guitar and my piano because they can get me through anything and everything. Thank you for enabling me to see the positive in everything, for the sound that skates make when they cut into the ice, for cheeky monkeys and sneezing pandas, for hissing red squirrels and whispering seashells, the stars in the sky and the clouds that bring rain, new discoveries and getting over pain. Thanks for making the universe as crazily amazing as it is. Thank you for all the other things I can't name...

And most importantly, thank you for the love, hope and inspiration that's a part of my daily life. Thank you for making me see that there's a higher power out there than me. Thank you for hugging me when I need to be comforted, even if it's just by the wind or only in my imagination.

While so many other people in the world suffer, thank you for giving me everything I'll ever need. On this day, and every day, through the good times and the bad, may I always remember how fortunate I truly am.

(And thank you to those who always take the time to read!)

Flashbacks

Ah, the things traveling will do to you! It's a different environment, a different way of life... sometimes a different language and in this case, a different continent and a different worldview!

Coming home from Africa was quite an eye-opener, and I don't mean all the time I spent in the plane or waiting in airports!

The trip as a whole didn't impact me too much while I was there. It was when I came back and compared the reality I was just in with my everyday reality that I realized how fortunate we really are. Then again, there is also poverty here in North America... it's just not as painstakingly obvious.

Here are some of the flashbacks that I noted during my first two days back from Kenya. These are things that happened exactly like in the movies... Someone said something or I saw something that brought me back to my Kenyan experience.

* First and foremost, how weird is it to wake up in your own room, in your own bed, and not knowing where you are? It's very confusing, trust me. It took a good while to remember that I was home... and this didn't happen to me in any of the hotels I stayed in, or ever before!

* When I first brushed my teeth, I felt like something was missing... Water. Or more specifically, a water bottle. In Kenya, as per the travel clinic's orders, I used a water bottle to wet my toothbrush as well as to rinse my mouth after cleaning my teeth.

* More water woes... I'm so used to taking a sip or two of water when I was my face or in the shower. It was very hard for me to remember NOT to do that while I was in Kenya. Again, the travel clinic instilled fears of getting sick from the tap water deep down into my core. Good job!

* What about water pressure? There are places here where your water pressure isn't that great... namely cheap hotels or apartments. Luckily, the hotel was pretty good about strong shower streams, though there were times when the water would randomly stop, and sometimes you had to turn the tap completely to get a decent flow. Some places, even that didn't solve the problem. It made me wonder how people feel clean, especially when you have to wash that red Nairobi soil off the soles of your feet.

* Hey, guess what! I can plug my laptop directly into the wall! Yes, after 2 weeks of using adapters "African-style", as someone put it, it came as a bit of a surprise to me to be able to just plug it in. The "African-style" comment came after the porter helped us with my so-called universal adapter. Unfortunately, all the plugs at the hotel were UK, and my adapter was stuck on Europe. Cheap plastic! After trying to find us a spare adapter somewhere in the hotel, he took one look at mine, grabbed a pen cap, and pressed down the trigger in the top hole before inserting my European adapter into the UK plug. Fantastic! Only in Africa...

* My mom and I were lounging in the backyard when she said something about one of her plant attracting bees. I flashed back to the bee-keeping project we visited in rural Mombasa... I promise to tell you all about it later.

* I went for a drive a couple of days after I got back, or possibly even the day after I got back. I was at a stop sign and trying to figure out what the car opposite to me was going to do: go straight or turn. You know Montreal drivers. They rarely signal, especially on suburban streets! I tried to make eye contact with the driver and it took a few seconds before I understood why I wasn't reading any signals... I was staring at the passenger! Note to self: Drivers sit on the right in North America, not on the left.

I'm sure there were other moments that reminded me of life in Africa, but these are the fun that I noted. Spending time away from your reality also makes you realize what's important to you and what's not. Sorry, Perez. You didn't make the cut!

It's all coming back to me now

I had been meaning to blog more about Africa earlier, but working Rogers Cup tennis for 7 straight days basically took up all my time. It was eat, work, sleep, and lots of transit. But, I did manage to make some professional gains. It was my first gig as a bug operator for CBC, which means I was responsible for putting the scoreboard and stats in... and updating it too! This means I really needed to understand tennis, and after 4 days of actively watching it, I managed to figure it out :)

But back to the topic of the day: Africa.


I've already given you an overview of the trip, and I do plan on going into more details about some of our visits, but I think it's also important to understand how different the worldview is, or, as it turns out, how similar life in Kenya is to life in Canada.


Things that are the same... but not

* Slowpoke! *

Ya know how when you're driving, and the car in front of you is driving at a snail's pace and you just wish they'd change lanes and let you pass? You're gonna flash your high beams, aren't you? Well, in Kenya, they do that too! It's not a big realization, but it definitely showed me that some things we believe apply only to our culture are actually more universal than we think! And in East Africa, you don't get deer or moose crossings, but cow crossings. One time, our matatu nearly hit a cow to try to get it to cross faster. It wasn't impressed. It moo-ed at us and hit back!

* The stars *

Well, they're not the same because we're in different hemispheres, but they are just as beautiful. The difference is that in North America, you see stars lower on the horizon, while in Kenya, you really have to look straight up. I had a blast hanging out at the outdoor lounge at the Serena Mombasa, lying back and watch these natural gems sparkle. One night, three of us even saw a shooting star! My first confirmed sighting, and what a sight it was!

* Media *

During our visit of the Nation Media Group facilities, I came to a startling realization. The more I listened and looked around, the more I was certain that while the media values, facilities and equipment are the same in Kenya as in North America, the East African newsrooms are evolving at a quicker pace. I believe that's because they're learning from our mistakes and successes. Basically, they're skipping the middle step, the trials and errors we made trying to achieve better quality and smoother content. Kenya is going digital this year. They're not in HD yet, but that's the next step. While here in Canada, we're struggling with upgrading from analog to digital because of the cost of the equipment, East Africans are at a natural equipment-replacement point and are able to purchase high end HD equipment as part of the renewal process. We tried to do it all too fast... We're in HD, but not true HD: True HD means that shooting equipment is HD, Audio is 5.1, transmission is HD, cables/transmitters are HD-capable, receivers and watching equipment are HD... If even one element is in standard definition, it's not HD. In Africa, they love gadgets. It won't be a problem to get people to buy HD TV sets, especially given that most people would probably be getting them as their first sets.

*Gender balance*

Most of the Frigoken factory workers in Nairobi were female. However, this was done by choice, not because of gender bias. Sure, women are detail-oriented and good with veggies, but does that mean they should be the ones assigned to snap the tips off green beans? The reason Frigoken employs mostly women is because this job allows them to provide a secondary income to their families. In some cases, it is the only decent job a woman with relatively little education can get in the city. And they make it easy too... The plant offers a drop-off daycare service in one of the adjoining buildings, and if I understood correctly, it's free! How many North American plants can boast the same? Also, many of the farmers in the village were women, although their husbands may own the plots.


Things that really are different

*The buses*

You've already heard the stories... The matatus run on a completely different system than our North American transit. It's more of a taxi-like system, regulated by the government to some extent in that drivers have to register their vehicles and pay some sort of fee. It's also like taxis because the drivers are absolutely insane. That's where the similarities end, though. Matatus are little white Toyota minivans/SUVs, often covered in all kinds of slogans and celebrity names. The most popular ones? Tupac and Obama buses. The slogans sometimes don't make sense... Why would an East African matatu driver decorate his bus to the theme of the Minnesota Wolverines? (No, not Michigan) Or "The Game"? Matatus decide to patrol specific routes, but pick people up and drop them off anywhere along that road or in that neighbourhood... And at the rate that these buses pass, you can probably get anywhere on time! Sometimes, you could see multiple matatus pulled over alongside the highway, trying to get people on board for the 2 Kenyan Shillings fair, which more or less converts to 2 cents.

*What time is it?*

In Kenya, you really can set your clock to the sun. Every day, without fail, the sun rises between 6:30 and 6:45 and sets between 6:30 and 6:45. It's absolutely amazing! You figure that's how villagers go by their day... So very impressive.

Nairobi vs. Mombasa

*Nairobi*

Nairobi is like any other metropolis: busy, constantly moving, full of people crowding the streets. In fact, it reminded me a bit of NYC. The only difference, of course, is the predominant skin colour on the downtown streets. But they're all in suits and briefcases, going about their day.

*Mombasa*

Mombasa, on the other hand, is totally a beach resort... Until you get to the main part of the town. There, you can definitely see the different levels of poverty, which are much more obvious than in the Nairobi outskirts. It's not just the shantytowns... From the moment you leave the Mombasa airport and until you reach the touristy beach resort, you can see the true face of East African poverty.


Those are just some general observations about my trip to Kenya. Next post? Coming home, and realizing how different life truly is from one end to the world to another.

Stay tuned...

Courtesy of a friend

One of my friends shared an interesting theory with me this morning.

First, he informed me that he'd finally found a counter-argument to, and I quote, "all the people who are like "this world is fucked, I don't want to bring any children into it so no kids for me" argument."

Naturally, I was intrigued.

Basically, he says it's a lame excuse, because most of the people who say that are, simply put, smart people. And since smart people tend to end up with smart people, we also end up with couples that are made up of two not-so-smart people.

Think about it.

To be blunt... if two dumb people procreate, chances are we'll end up with a pretty dumb kid. (No offense intended - just explaining the theory). Sure, statistically, we could also end up with a super smart kid, but that's not the usual case.

Similarly, if two smart people breed, we will most likely end up with a smart kid. Perhaps a super smart kid. Also, there's a small chance of them having a super dumb kid, but once again, those chances are slim.

However, if the smart people don't believe in raising children in a messed up world, they won't breed. The "dumb" people, however, will continue to have kids, thereby increasing the number of "dumb" people in the world, and therefore probably contributing to making the world an even more messed up place, since the proportion of smart to dumb people will decrease dramatically.

Therefore, my friend argues that smart people who say they believe that their kids should have a better life should in fact have kids so that they can change the world with all their smart ideas... Darwin style.

And eventually, we'd end up with a better world that people might actually want to raise kids in, more often than not.

That's a pretty smart theory there buddy... Wanna breed?

Detoxing

Lately, I've been looking for new ways to detox.

Despite my fairly calm, easy life, I've been very stressed. I guess the whole job searching thing will do that to you. Not to mention unexpected dental fees, crazy work hours, deadlines, insane travel time to get anywhere that's anywhere, and a busy home life. Add to that personal stress like potential relationships, tricky friendships, family visits, and PMSing, and you've got my life.

Understandably, I can be a ball of nerves at times.

I tried taking baths, and that worked for a while. But sometimes you're just too exhausted for a bath - and fear falling asleep and sinking lower and lower in the not nearly big enough tub - or more likely, you just don't have time to relax and detox in the bath. Or the will for it.

I tried candles and incense, but as much as I try to contain it to my room, it does flow into the rest of the house, to everyone else's detriment - which just causes additional stress and frustration.

Yoga's been a great help but it just hasn't been as mind-clearing as usual in the past few weeks... Perhaps because I have too much on my mind or maybe because it's often my only form of mental relaxation. Random meditation/breathing exercises at home are a temporary solution, but consequently the positive effects don't stick around for long.

Music has been kinda working, but as much as I love Britney Spears' new CD, listening to Circus on repeat just won't cut it. Classical music worked on one day, the Star Trek soundtrack on another. Random country music favourites also help, but they're just not mind-numbing enough. In fact, I'd say they're thought provoking with their catchy tunes and deep lyrics.

So what else can I try?

My problem is that I tend to want to avoid thinking about several issues at the same time, and while one solution will take care of one of the negative thoughts, it might bring up another. It's a bit of a vicious circle, and I'm not quite sure how to deal with it, other than doubling up on the yoga - which would be both expensive and taxing on the body. Seriously folks, after a good, active yoga session, my body honestly doesn't wanna stretch and bend like that again for oh, about a week or so.

And as much as I look forward to going to work as a form of entertainment - because of the excellent fun I have with my coworkers, the excitment in the air, and, of course, the hockey, work itself can be a cause of stress - or at least a reminder of it.

So I've taken to filling out surveys. Every night before I go to bed. Or at least, that's what I was doing a few weeks ago. Of course, everyone was in exams - or stressed out over the upcoming holidays - and so I had a constant string of new questionnaires to fill in, courtesy of friends' Facebook notes. Similarly, they'd feed my latest obsession by filling in the surveys I posted for procrastination purposes. Which fueled my search for more detailed and creative surveys to answer.

I've stopped doing the "must fill uber long survey instead of sleep" thing - mostly because I want to spend more time reading before bed, but when I feel particularly lethargic - a defensive reaction to stressful thoughts - I quickly search Facebook notes for a new survey to fill, or visit one of the many MySpace survey sites for something completely random.

What I really need, though, is a good cry.

After an extremely stressful week last week and several mini panic and/or anxiety attacks, I got over my immediate stress quite nicely with the above detoxing techniques... but I was so close to a breakdown that the tears are still lingering just under the surface. And while I'm not necessarily trying to hold them back, I'm not letting them fall free either. It would suck to have a long, hard cry for something that wasn't quite worth it. Somehow, I don't think it would accomplish anything long term - and so I'd be forced to cry once more to let it all out. And that's just not my MO.

Hopefully, having a bit more alone time during the holiday period will help - I'm looking forward to a mostly empty house, no crazy work hours or transportation issues, nearly no deadlines, and some "me" time.

Stay tuned...

Because I have to.

I need to blog.

Why? I don't know.

About what? No clue either.

But still, I need to blog. I need to write, to create, to express... whatever it is I'm thinking, feeling, experiencing...

And yet, I find myself devoid of inspiration. Well, not exactly.

Here's the thing. I actually come up with great blog topics... when I'm brushing my teeth at night and the computer is off. I head to bed and try to relax and instead I'm writing my blog in my head. The words are gorgeous and the sentences just flow like a beautiful river... But I'm definitely too tired to get out of bed, let alone wait for the laptop to start up, then load blogger and start typing.

Sometimes, I'm lucky and I remember the topic and the gist of what I was going to say at some point the next day. Most of the time, it's a glimmer of thought... lost among dreams and their interpretations and lists of things to do today.

In other words, it's gone.

I've tried keeping a recorder near the bed so I could dictate my blog to my (future) self, but that was during a period of fairly limited creativity. I always have a pad of paper and a pen by my bedside, but turning on the light when my eyes are that tired is just not an option. And though I have penned songs in the dark with some success, it's just not the same when you have to write out complete sentences.

I don't know what the solution is. I don't know why I can't think creatively while I'm awake(-ish). This free writing thing I'm doing right now is kinda working, but that's because I don't need to think about the topic itself, since, well, circular logic here... I'd get into it but I'd just confuse myself, and probably mess you up too...

The good news is, no matter what I choose to type about, the words always appear as if by magic. And I like that. I'm glad that's not gone yet.

Well, I guess practice makes perfect, as they say, so I'll just have to keep doing this random blog about whatever thing.

Stay tuned...

Sex, Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness

Let me just preface this by saying that my views on love are very different from most people's. I'm not suggesting that my opinions are correct and that everyone should think like me. I understand that love is a very personal subject, everyone's entitled to their own opinion, whatever that may be. There is no right and wrong on love, just different perceptions of it. Again, I'm not judging, just thinking.

This is the fourth and final post in an exploration on love in the world of today. The first part can be found here, part 2 is here, and part 3, here.

Is sex only meant to be shared between two partners who are very much in love? That's what all our social and ethical guides seem to tell us. And yet, there is so much more to sex than intercourse between one man and one woman.

Lets just quickly take a look at some options. Picture yourself in grade school - math class. You're working on groups and trying to find how many combinations are possible.

Man and woman vs woman and woman vs man and man, vs man and woman and woman or man and man and woman... and the list goes on...

Then there's all the different acts, settings, actions, positions...

I think we can all agree that sex is more than a man and a woman in the missionary position on their bed in their master bedroom at night with the lights off trying to have a kid.

Then why is it so hard for us to accept that there can be more than one interpretation of sex? Of course, you've got the extreme views that sex should not be pleasurable if you're doing right. Or that anything sexual is demeaning to females. Or that only men are allowed to be in control.

Yeah, right.

Society's views on sex stem from a religious background. As mentioned previously, religious and social guidelines, though perhaps influenced by revelations from a higher power, are deeply rooted in the social settings of the time when they were created.

Monogamy was a solution to recklessness, disease, and the lack of self-control.
Sex for copulative purposes only was a solution to over-population, and recklessness.

But in our time, in our world, where (hopefully) the use of contraceptives is widespread, do we really need such restrictions?

In many cases, these ingrained values force us to shut down, close up, and hide from the world. We try to protect ourselves from the potential hurt that we've been told exists all around us because of sex. We see sexual acts as a form higher than regular everyday actions like washing your face - as it should be - but then put sex on a pedestal, high above other forms of pleasure.

Our understanding of sex makes us reluctant to let go and give in to the positive feelings that sexual play can bring. Our social environment doesn't accept that the purpose of sex can be purely a physical and often emotional release. That it's a perfectly acceptable, normal response to the hormones flowing in our bodies. That it is a form of pleasure that should not only be tolerated but encouraged. That the high that comes during and after sex can stem from more than just a sense of duty.

Sex, really, is the highest, purest form of physical pleasure a human being can enjoy. That being said, religion teaches us that the highest, purest spiritual pleasure we can experience is finding God and bathing in the understanding of life, the universe and everything. Then why is it so hard to believe that the orgasm that comes from sex is the material equivalent to the spiritual orgasm of being one with God?

I'm not suggesting you go on a sexual rampage with the purpose of finding God. That's definitely not going to work. Because just like in your quest for spiritual upliftment, you can only reach your zenith when everything works. The emotional longing, the intellectual stimulation and the physical attraction are all essential elements of a phenomenal sexual experience, aka orgasm. Without one of them, it might still be good - just not as good. Something will be missing. Something, perhaps, that will keep you from completely letting go and embracing the orgasm. Embracing that moment when everything stops, when the world waits for you, when light surrounds you and you just get it.

Back to society's interpretation of sex. Understandably, we can't go around screwing everything that moves. But that doesn't mean that it's wrong to want someone... many people, whether or not you're in a committed relationship. No matter what society says, sex should not be on a pedestal. It is not sacred to that extent. It's definitely something to be thoughtful about and careful with, but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be explored to the fullest - no many how many different combinations or experiences you need in order to be fulfilled sexually.

Sex does not have to be tied to a relationship. It doesn't have to be done exclusively with someone you love. Or even just like, for that matter. Take, for example, rape. Just because it's not wanted by both parties doesn't make it not "sex".

Our perception of sex is muddled by our wants and needs for a relationship. Rarely do we examine sex alone, free from pretenses. And when some brave souls try to do so, they get shot down with prejudices and stereotypes. They're called whores and sluts, players and pervs. They're not good for you, your family will say. They only care about one thing, your friends will say. But no one will dare say that they're exploring ways to release the sexual tension that's building up inside of them. Because that's just wrong.

It's wrong to want to be happy on a sexual level. It's wrong to love someone yet long to feel another's body next to yours. It's wrong not to be fully committed, sexually, to one person alone.

Uhm, sure.

Do I need to bring up trust and honesty and feelings of insecurity once more?

What about love? Remember those different kinds of love? One of them is definitely sexual love. Pure physical attraction, the matching of your body with his or hers - or his and hers!

Sex should not be a taboo. It should not feel uncomfortable to talk about sex, at least, not much more uncomfortable than it is to discuss other natural need-fulfilling acts. Eating or sleeping, for example. Or going to the washroom, for that matter, which is only weird because we associate the body parts that take care of those natural releases with sex. Circular logic, perhaps, but none of those subjects should be taboo.

That's not to say that what happens between the bedsheets - or on the kitchen counter, in the movie theatre or on the backseat of a car - should be freely shared with everyone. There is such a thing as privacy, and I'd like to hope that people engaging in sexual acts together have spoken about what's fair game and what isn't. Again, it's all about the trust.

Just like having sex is all about trusting your partner(s), and therefore being comfortable enough to tell them how you feel and what you want, honest enough to tell them what you like and don't like. The concepts blend harmoniously well together, from the emotional and intellectual aspects of sex to the act itself.

And when I mean sex, I'm not talking simply about intercourse. I mean all forms of sexual play, from oral to anal to masturbation, multiple partners, same-sex or transgendered partners, role playing, fetishes and BDSM. None of this should be taboo. All of it is completely natural, no matter how many props you use or holes you choose to fill.

For one thing, sexual activity and the release of associated hormones does seem to have positive effects on one's health - from reducing the chances of senility to keeping your heart strong and your muscles active.

The observations I am making here also apply to sexualized situations. I mean being topless - male or female - or dressing seductively. I mean talking about your period, an itch in your crotch, or that porn you caught on TV last night. I mean walking around in your underwear. If you can stroll public beaches in a tiny bikini, why isn't it acceptable to wear your more covering undergarments in a semi-private location? As long as you're respectful about it and not doing it just to spite someone who is clearly uncomfortable with the subject, then why can't you be overt with your sexuality?

By not investing in sex as necessarily a physical extension of your feelings, you bring the concept and acts down to a more reasonable level. One where it can thrive and help you thrive without all the emotional attachments and heartbreaks that society suggests are inevitable. The feeling of intimacy is there, there's no doubt about that, but you can be physical for the sole purpose of feeling good and releasing sexual tension. No strings attached.

Again - I'm not implying that sleeping around just to be sexually satisfied is optimal. In fact, you'll probably be less satisfied overall. You'll probably feel like something is missing. That final piece of the puzzle that you just can't find even though you've looked inside the box, across the floor, and all over the room.

But sex can and should exist outside of relationships, not only to keep your body healthy, but also to keep you sane. As long as it is a safe connection, that you have the same understanding as all parties involved, and that you're not hurting anyone, betraying or helping to betray anyone's trust, then engaging in sexual activity is a-ok, no matter what society says.

I think that pretty much wraps up this exploration on love. I had a lot of fun - thoughtful fun - writing these, and it feels good to get my impressions out in the open. I hope that sharing them with you has caused you to think or rethink your perspectives, and perhaps this series can spark a discussion on the place and perception of love and all associated concepts in today's society.

Thank you for tuning in, and please stay tuned for more similarly enlightening (hopefully) posts and explorations...

Please feel free to leave comments, as long as they promote the exploration of the topic rather than bash my thoughts and opinions. I'm looking for constructive criticism, not hate mail. If you have nothing helpful to say, please don't bother saying it.

The Affairs of Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness

Let me just preface this by saying that my views on love are very different from most people's. I'm not suggesting that my opinions are correct and that everyone should think like me. I understand that love is a very personal subject, everyone's entitled to their own opinion, whatever that may be. There is no right and wrong on love, just different perceptions of it. Again, I'm not judging, just thinking.

This is the third installment of an exploration on love in the world of today. The first part can be found here, and part 2 is here.

Ah, "affair". A word with many connotations, good and bad. Whether it's used to refer to a flashy political or social event or a secret proscribed relationship, it has a sort of sexy, risqué flair to it.

Wikipedia lists several different types of relationship-related affairs, from forms of non-monogamy, to infidelity and adultery to emotional affairs.

As per most sources, "affairs" take place when one or both of the partners in a relationship are dissatisfied with their current situation. This dissatisfaction might come from falling out of love with your partner, from personal growth in separate directions, or a life change that has impacted the relationship in such a way that it is different from what it was before. In this case, honesty is primordial.

In order for the relationship to overcome a life change, you must be honest with your significant other, plainly laying out your feelings and impressions. And, not to be harsh, but if you're in a committed relationship, be it open or closed, you shouldn't have issues with being honest with your partner. You may perhaps be afraid of hurting them, but be warned that dishonesty leads to a lack of trust, and is the first crumbling freckle of sand in the castle you've built together. In the long run, it's always better to be honest now and cause only some pain rather than letting the betrayal drag on and causing increasingly more pain.

Fundamentally, an affair is betrayal of trust. But the current definitions of affair assume that love exists in fixed quantities, not that it's an energy, a life force. In adultery, the betrayal is the act of having intercourse with someone other than your partner. This assumes that sex is a higher, more important act than, say, playing a game of Scrabble together. In a purer sense, playing a game of Scrabble with someone else than your partner could be a form of adultery... if those are the boundaries you've agreed upon with your partner. But in most cases, couples base their definitions of affairs on the what society has dictated as being right and wrong. In this case, we're talking about sex.

Of course, adultery can be caused by more than just the act of intercourse. In most cases, it is understood to include other sexual acts, such as oral and anal sex. In some cases, one or both members of a relationship can believe it to include mutual masturbation, virtual sex (cyber or phone), masturbating or performing other sexual acts while thinking of someone other than your partner (unless that's the game, of course), and even flirting. As you can see, the list can go on and on. It's important to discuss, with your partner, what constitutes an affair.

Some couples have been known to have provisions such as celebrity lists, aka, if one of the members of the relationship were to be propositioned or have a chance of engaging in sexual activity with someone on the list, it would be okay. It would be temporarily acceptable for that person to engage in otherwise adulterous behaviour. If that's the case, that act of infidelity would not be considered an affair.

In other cases, certain people have trouble even "allowing", for lack of a better word, their partners to engage in platonic relationships with members of the opposite sex. The extra person tends to be attractive and so the partner might feel threatened by his or her presence in the life of their significant other. Sometimes, the woman feels that her partner might be tempted to be unfaithful, or worse, corrupted by this other woman. Sometimes, it is a man who feels insecure and unable to keep his female partner from resisting the temptation of being with another man, or worse, they think that the other man will steal her away from him.

This does happen in real life and I'm sure we can all think of at least one example of a similar situation.

It all sounds a bit ridiculous, doesn't it? Childish, even. But the feeling of threat is real and is powerful. It incites jealousy and initiates control. Slowly, these feelings take over, causing hurt to all parties involved. And yet, it can be traced back to a lack of trust in each other, and a lack of openness. Why not ask your partner how he or she feels about this new "threat"? Even if there is a sexual attraction, there is little cause for concern if both partners are comfortable being honest about their feelings. But from what I can tell, this pure form of honesty doesn't always exist in a relationship of "in love" and even in some relationships of "love".

Still, your partner would not abandon you for another simply because of sexual urges. There is an underlying need that he or she feels could be met in the new relationship. In an honest, trusting relationship, you would have already talked about what's missing, what needs are not being met. Perhaps there are needs that cannot be met in your relationship; a hobby that one partner simply does not enjoy, for example.

The line between friendship and a potentially sexual relationship can be blurred at times by feelings of insecurity. If you become jealous of the amount of time your partner spends with that other as opposed to you and are not upfront about it, the dynamic of your relationship will change, and that will be the cause of the hypothetical break up. If you cannot be honest about your wants and needs, how can you entrust your heart and soul that person? How can you be absolutely certain that they will care for you the way you do for them, when you can't even explain to them what kind of caring you want and need?

This consequences of this lacking can flow in two directions. On the one hand, a partner can become over controlling, limiting the time spent with others, whether of the same or opposite sex. This is obviously not a healthy relationship. And yet, so many of the couples around us live in a similar kind of confinement, feeling uneasy being friends or simply hanging out with someone because their partner "won't like it", or "might find out and get angry", "disapproves of me spending (so much) time with you".

To be blunt, that is so not cool.

It's stifling to the spirit and is clearly not a relationship based on love. It's a relationship based on hurt. Nothing good can come out of it, save for learning an important lesson on life.

On the other hand, the lacking can cause what has become referred to as an "emotional affair".

This is a topic that is close to my heart for several reasons. An avid supporter of open relationships, emotional affairs, to me, don't exist. They are a restrictive term applied to a completely natural process - that of caring for someone you are close to, on a platonic level or on a loving level.

For Wikipedia, an emotional affair is one where there is a certain amount of intimacy, with or without romance and/or sex. Some consider relationships where there is casual sex, aka friends with benefits, to be a type of emotional affair if one or both of the members are involved with someone else. Of course, some would consider that to be more than just an emotional affair.

Most of the time, an emotional affair is a friendship where the subjects are very close, perhaps even intimate in terms of physical comfort - from hugs, to snuggles, to kissing, even. In order to be an emotional affair, though, there must be caring that is different than in a regular relationship. There must be a connection on a higher level. There could even be love, without being in love. Unless it's an emotional affair that is characterized by a racy romance and a whole lot of flirting, perhaps without any true intention of being friends in every day life outside of the flirting, there must, in fact, be love, in one or several of the forms we explored last time.

To me, there is nothing wrong with having an emotional affair. It's a bond that is special, and unique, in the same way that all relationships are unique. Your relationship with your mom, for example, good or bad, is unique, because it is only between the both of you and is not the same as anyone else's relationship with their mom, as well as not the same as your relationship with anyone else. Based on certain definitions, your relationship with a close sibling or your best friend might be considered an emotional affair.

An emotional affair is also not a relationship, close or otherwise, where flirting is a regular part of the conversation. That's just teasing without any intention of following through on the actions. That's harmful to no one, and in fact, makes most people happy - unless it becomes an emotional affair.

Where it gets tricky is when the emotional affair takes away from the connection one shares with his or her significant other. Still, this is simply a perception since, if love is a limitless energy, it cannot be taken away from someone. Time, however, is fixed in the material world, and so an emotional affair can take away from your quality time with your partner.

Again, the only way an emotional affair becomes a problem is if there is a betrayal. If there is deception. Secrecy. If, in other words, there is a lack of honesty between you and your primary partner. If there is a lack of trust in the other to understand and to love and care for you enough to let you explore your feelings - and not necessarily sexual ones - in this so-called emotional affair. If there is a threat caused by a un-discussed and so undisclosed lacking. If jealousy and doubt are seeds sprinkled across your relationship. If insecurity is the reason you long to stay together. If love is not the underlying energy keeping you together.

Emotional affairs are only negative when they're not in the open. Because they prevent at least one of the participating parties from being happy. I believe that an open emotional affair is a positive addition to a relationship, a way for partners to relax, in a sense, from trying to meet a need they either can't or don't want to fulfill (think hobbies, for example), and a way for them to stop aching and feeling undeserving and perhaps even inferior for not being able to provide for their partner in some respects.

To me, a close friendship, whether or not it has sensual dimension, is essential to the success of a relationship. Sometimes, that close friendship happens to be your relationship with your partner. When that's not the case, it should not be referred to as an emotional affair because of the stigma associated to those words. Because of the negative connotations society assigns to it.

And that's why I don't believe in the term "emotional affair". An emotional affair is society's way of stereotyping the roles of men and women and perpetuating the concepts of love that were imposed long ago to help reign in our recklessness and high birth rate. It is society's version of right and wrong, based on ideas that prevent true love from flowing. That tells couples that it's okay not to talk about your wants and needs because society has already decided on them for you. Society makes some open relationships fail due to a difference in perception that was not broached prior to entering the open relationship, or ideas and ideals that may have changed over the course of the relationship, but due to the absence of honesty and trust, were not discussed. Societal norms and rules are also why closed relationships fail, for the same root reason: a lack of communication.

And yet all of this stems from the way sex is perceived, or rather, what society tells us we should think about sex, a subject I will tackle in my next post.

Stay tuned...

Please feel free to leave comments, as long as they promote the exploration of the topic rather than bash my thoughts and opinions. I'm looking for constructive criticism, not hate mail. If you have nothing helpful to say, please don't bother saying it.

Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness: On Gender

Let me just preface this by saying that my views on love are very different from most people's. I'm not suggesting that my opinions are correct and that everyone should think like me. I understand that love is a very personal subject, everyone's entitled to their own opinion, whatever that may be. There is no right and wrong on love, just different perceptions of it. Again, I'm not judging, just thinking.

This is the second part of an exploration on love in the world of today. The first part can be found here.

Women and Men are traditionally depicted as having different views on sex and on love. Society tells us that women don't think about sex as much as men do, and they don't enjoy it either. For them, it's more about the romance. These societal norms make women feel like they must hide their sexual thoughts. In truth, women think about sex just as much as men. If anything, because their sexual feelings are repressed, they might think about sex more then their male counterparts. Men, on the other hand, are free to express their sexual desires, because society tells them it's perfectly normal to do so.

This leads to a difference in opinions on love and therefore, on sex. But lets start with love.

Societal norms lead us to believe that men are pigs, who, even if they say they love you, just want to get busy with you - and everyone else. Obviously, I'm exaggerating a bit, but you get the point. Men, it is said, are incapable of romance and true love, except for certain exceptions. Girls, on the other hand, dream up a perfect love story, a Prince Charming rescuing her on his white steed... yet have little hope of it actually happening. So when a guy does care for them in that way, it's a welcome surprise. In some cases, it also plants the seeds of doubt.

Why? Because women are insecure. So are men, really, but society conveniently forgets to point that out, instead referring time and time again to a woman's apparent lack of self-confidence. I'm not a man, but I've spoken to many of them, and let me tell you - men are just as insecure as women. We have the same fears, and so, the same desires.

In other words, men and women approach relationships differently mostly because society tells us we should. There are stereotypes and discriminatory statements identified with each gender, and we tend to blindly take them to be fact. In the end, abiding to those societal norms makes it tougher for true love to exist. It makes it tougher for open relationships to take place, because society doesn't accept them, and in fact, rejects them almost in the same way Christianity has rejected Pagan practices.

These stereotypes actually encourage negative feelings to enter a relationship, be it insecurity, jealousy, doubt... And all of these can be attributed to a lack of trust. Trust, as we discussed previously, is the fundamental pillar of all relationships. Yet, for some reason, it almost seems to disappear in what should be one of the most important partnerships of our lives.

Why don't we pause for a second. Let us take a look at what trust actually means. Webster defines "trust" as:

1 a: assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something
b: one in which confidence is placed

And;

5 a (1): a charge or duty imposed in faith or confidence or as a condition of some relationship
(2): something committed or entrusted to one to be used or cared for in the interest of another
b: responsible charge or office
c: care , custody

Trust is not a one-way street, especially in a relationship. You must have confidence in each others' feelings and actions, but you also take custody of a tiny element of your partner's heart and soul... of their spirit. And you become responsible for caring for it, as they are responsible of caring for your spirit. Therefore, in order to function properly, trust must flow both ways.

Coupled with trust is the concept of honesty. According to Webster, "honesty" is:

2 a: fairness and straightforwardness of conduct
b: adherence to the facts : sincerity

Without honesty, there can be no trust. And since trust is essential to building and maintaining a good relationship, honesty is a must.

Which brings me to the topic of affairs, addressed in the next post, for readability purposes.

Stay tuned...

Please feel free to leave comments, as long as they promote the exploration of the topic rather than bash my thoughts and opinions. I'm looking for constructive criticism, not hate mail. If you have nothing helpful to say, please don't bother saying it.

On Life, Love and the Pursuit of Happiness...

Let me just preface this by saying that my views on love are very different from most people's. I'm not suggesting that my opinions are correct and that everyone should think like me. I understand that love is a very personal subject, everyone's entitled to their own opinion, whatever that may be. There is no right and wrong on love, just different perceptions of it. Again, I'm not judging, just thinking.

I strongly believe that love is a feeling in the truest of senses. It does not exist in fixed quantities. You don't have a certain amount of love that needs to be divided in pie chart fashion. It is very possible and in fact, necessary to love several people at the same time and be loved by many people at the same time. Of course, there are different kinds of love, and we need and live for all of them: familial, friendly, sexual, deep caring that goes beyond the basics of friendship, love that is borderline sexual, and what I'll term, for now, "true" love.

True love is the love most people are referring to when speaking of finding their soul mate. It's a love that, like other loves, flows freely and doesn't need to be worked on, at its basic form. I'm not saying that love comes devoid of work. I just mean that sometimes love just is. True love goes beyond caring, beyond sexuality - and in fact, can exist coupled with or free of sexual love. True love for someone means letting them go, wanting to do anything and everything to let them be happy, no matter at what cost to yourself.

When you find true love, you understand how all the different ranges of emotions enter the equation. It's when your love flows from your fingertips, over space and across time, reaching for your soul mate. It could be compared to the insane burst of feelings felt for an intense crush or infatuation. The difference is that it flows deeper. You feel it in your depths, in your soul, in your heart of hearts. You know it to be true.

Finding true love also reveals that trust is the absolutely most fundamental concept of any relationship. Without trust, there is no foundation for building friendship, investing in caring, or developing a long-term relationship. And in my opinion, the ultimate form of trust is releasing your grasp on your true love, allowing them to grow freely, with or without you. In other words, you trust your true love to feel the same way for you as you do for them. You trust them with your heart, after all.

You trust them not to break you, not to hurt you or betray you. You trust that the decisions they make in life and love are made with the intention of not harming you in any way. You trust that no matter what, they will come back to you. And you trust that they want all of this for you too.

This sacred bond flows deeper than physical relationships. It has nothing to do with sex and everything to do with soul. In my opinion, this pure love can only truly exist in the material world as an open relationship.

Now lets explain open relationships, shall we? According to Wikipedia, "An open relationship denotes a relationship (usually between two people) in which participants are free to have other partners."

It's actually more than that. An open relationship is one where the trust is so great that jealousy cannot exist. The love flows so deep that your partner's happiness is the single most important factor in the decisions you make about life and love. So this means that if your partner craves the company of another person, sexually or otherwise, you, as a member of the open relationship, agree and even encourage your partner to explore and release those feelings because of the happiness it would bring them, and therefore you. Whether or not you, as a couple, decide on restrictions or rules for your relationship doesn't affect the fundamental nature of the relationship - that it is based on trust and true love.

For me, there is no alternative to an open relationship. Perhaps I'm just a bit idealistic, but I truly believe that human beings are capable of an enormous amount of love. Yet we restrict ourselves, burden ourselves with right and wrong when those values were imposed in ancient times as solutions to problems like overpopulation or recklessness. I would like to think that at this point in existence, we're able to have safe sex and control our primal urges. I'm not saying that there shouldn't be ethical reasoning behind our actions. Far from it. I do, however, believe that love crosses those boundaries. You can't choose who you love or who you fall in love with.

Because there is a difference between loving and falling in love. And I think that's the main thorn in society's side. Most people can't tell love from being in love. My view is that love is uncontrollable. You can't tell it that it's okay to love some people and not others. You can't tell it to stop loving someone - it usually just is or isn't. However, in the same way that you can control anger and other impulses, you can work on love, and eventually not feel the same kind of love or the same intensity of love for someone. It's like having a passion for something. You can learn to be less passionate, but somewhere deep down, you'll always care about the things that have made you passionate in the past.

Being in love, on the other hand, is a state of being that can vary from a small, quick crush to an intense infatuation. It can lead to love or stem from it. Most of the time, people who are in long-term relationships are in love with their partners, whether or not they truly, fully love them. It's almost like the material manifestation of love, the day to day of a relationship. That's being in love.

Hopefully, most married couples are not only in love with each other but they love each other too. The couples who get divorced either stop being in love with each other, perhaps because things change and the day-to-day of the relationship becomes too tedious, or because they realize that their love is not true, not full and free. Either way, they stop being happy pursuing life and love together. If they can work things out amicably throughout and after the separation, they most likely love each other but have simply fallen out of love.

That was my situation. Which brings me to gender differences on the concept of love, which I'll take on in my next post.

Stay tuned...

Please feel free to leave comments, as long as they promote the exploration of the topic rather than bash my thoughts and opinions. I'm looking for constructive criticism, not hate mail. If you have nothing helpful to say, please don't bother saying it.