On The Girls in the Front Row

I just met "The Girls in the Front Row". And I cried.

I recently moved back to Kingston (yey!) and was presented with an opportunity to consult with a local author on publicizing her book, which is approaching a second edition release date. Knowing nothing about the author or the book, I shrugged to myself, and thought, "Why not?" After all, I am always looking for interesting work opportunities, and my interests are so varied that they tend to find me instead! This was one of those chance situations.

The book is called "The Girls in the Front Row" and it was authored by Linda Gayle Ross. It's odd for me to say that she is the author of the book, since the words and the stories, save for one, are not hers. The project, the book itself, and the feelings it elucidates are most definitely hers. But the stories belong to the Girls in the Front Row.

Who are the Girls in the Front Row? They are motherless daughters; women who lost their mothers young, and had to learn to live without that customary bond, and the assumed guidance of the most important role model in a young girl's life. Some were children when their mom died, some were young adults who were just starting families of their own. Now, they are aged between 16 and 90, and they still feel the pain of losing the opportunity to get to know their mom, let along getting to share their own life experiences with her. Their mom never had a chance of becoming a best friend. The girls didn't have that person to share a big smile with from stage during Convocation. They didn't have that person to run to for comfort no matter what was happening in their "real" lives.

Their stories are varied and so are their experiences and their ability to survive and grow after such a traumatic launch into life as a grown-up. But one thing is clear... The Girls in the Front Row have all, in their own way, had to struggle with pain and fear, and insecurity, and, worst of all, lost hope. Because even though many people have estranged or tense relationships with their moms, there is always hope that things may get better.

For the Girls in the Front Row, there is no hope. There is often grief, guilt, anger, and relief, but not hope.

As I was reading, the tears started to flow. Softly, at first, but with every story, my heart trembled a little more. It wasn't truly out of grief or sadness, but because I wished that I could just reach out a hand to hold theirs, give them a hug in their times of need, past and present, and tell them that someone was there for them. Someone who may not fully understand what they are going through but who could support them while they figured it out.

And then I realized how many Girls in the Front Row I know, personally. Also, boys who lost their mothers young, but, that's a different type of bond. Boys, after all, will never need to call Mom at work to ask what kind of tampons to buy in that first menstrual cycle freak-out moment!

The Girls in the Front Row that I know are all courageous, strong, and successful women. They all admire their moms and miss them very much. They have all adopted behaviours or objects or hobbies that remind them of their mothers. But, you know what? As the book makes very obvious, I have never asked them what happened on the day they lost their Mom. How they felt in that moment. And as one Girl in the Front Row points out, that is sad.

So as I wiped the tears from my face and closed the beautiful, emotion-filled book, I decided that the next time I spoke with my Girls in the Front Row, when the moment was right, I would ask them what happened on the day their mom died. And then hug them as they re-live the trauma and let free the feelings that they usually bottle up and keep for company in their day-to-day lives.

To my Girls in the Front Row, thank you for being such an inspiration.

On #BellLetsTalk

I used to be much better at talking about mental illness. When I was younger, I was seriously depressed, even suicidal. I tried to take my life a few times, and I realize now that it was more than just your regular teenage mess of hormones and feeling so lonely while growing up. Once I admitted my issue, I had no problem discussing it with everyone and on all my social networks. But since then, I've become more of a private person, and this post is my attempt to change that.

When I was depressed as a teen, talking about it didn't help right away, because I had to find the right people to talk to. At the time, I reached out to my favourite teachers, because the government funded healthcare centers didn't offer much support. The therapist I spoke to on the phone - because I couldn't make my way to the clinic without tipping everyone off! - was not very helpful, even when we did have an in-person session. After my parents became aware of the issue and got involved in trying to help, I saw another therapist, privately and with my family. That didn't help either. The therapist did not accept that my feelings were real to me, whether or not they were "legitimate" in that situation. And this was a trained, educated doctor. Her job was to deal with issues like mine. If she couldn't help, who could?

The stigma about mental illness MUST end. Invisible pain is just as real and serious as physical pain. Just because someone is constantly smiling and bubbly doesn't mean that their mind isn't going a mile a minute trying not to think of the big bad. I deal with anxiety on a daily basis. Sometimes, it's so bad that I have a panic attack. I know myself, and I know that this is not me. I've taken steps to get help, and I'm on the right path.

I've been on anti-depressants before. This time, a whirlwind of "big bad" events all happening at the same time led to my feelings of anxiety becoming overwhelming. Some days, I could barely get out of bed. It didn't help that I wasn't getting enough sleep because all the what-ifs were keeping me awake at night. Some days, I got out of bed, then binge-ate junk food to try to hide the problem from myself, and then felt like crap for making myself feel so gross and unhealthy. Even though I had found the little things that made me happy the last time I was depressed, and used those feelings of gratitude and appreciation of every day "happy" to get me off the anti-depressants, I realized that I needed a helping hand.

This time, talking about it DID help. The first step was admitting to myself that I wasn't going to be able to deal with this myself. So I reached out to friends who I knew also had experience dealing with invisible, mental pain. Once I was comfortable speaking with them about my current issues, I was able to reach out to my other friends - those who might have been closer in theory but felt further away because I didn't know how they would react to me sharing that it wasn't all moonlight and roses in my head. Fortunately, this time around I've got "real" friends. The kind the stick with you no matter what. And not only were they accepting, they were helpful, and they offered to change the way they interact with me ONLY if it would make me feel better.

It wouldn't, by the way. I think it's pretty safe to say that the worst reaction to an admission of mental health struggles is for your friends and family to treat you different. It just makes you feel even more isolated and fragile.

The second step was to talk to my doctor. I'm fortunate to have an AMAZING doctor. She was my GP at Queen's Student Health, and I've seen her for everything since, from follow-ups to annual check-ups. She also offers counseling services. Yup, I hit the jackpot! I found someone who understands that health and wellness is not just physical, and who realizes that listening is the most important step to helping someone towards their wellness goals. And that's listening without judging. Feeling like someone is actually listening to you and cares about what you have to say is a huge help. The best part for me is that my doctor realizes that I'm fairly well versed in medical issues and that I keep track of my body and what I'm feeling, so there's little to no second-guessing, apart from regular professional obligation, of course!

So yes. I'm an overly anxious person, to the point where at this confused intersection in my life, it can be paralyzing. Yes, I am currently taking medication to help me get through the day, because sometimes, whether it's hormone-induced or situational, I get overwhelmed by all the items on my to-do list and the lack of control I have over many of them, and I freak out. I have those junk food binge days, or days where I work from bed because it's more comforting. And sometimes, I don't take care of my responsibilities, like when it's my turn to make dinner or when I've said I'm going to vacuum and don't end up doing it.

Make no mistake. It's not that I just don't feel like doing it or that I physically can't do it. It's that I feel like I can't muster the energy to do it, and the fear, the FEAR of not being able to do the things I say I will do, and the anxiety related to the reactions of those affected by the decision - and the "if only people knew I felt like this, my brand would suffer and they'd see me as weak and incapable" that I'm currently feeling even from simply writing this post - that's the real problem. The anxiety builds up until it's truly paralyzing and then you really ARE unable to get up and do the things you say you're going to do. Until you get that little push that helps you take the first step towards accomplishing that task.

And while that push sometimes means taking three steps forward, then five steps back, then another two forward and maybe ending up back in bed, the feeling that you tried does make a difference. A little one, but at least you know you can get out of bed and you will eventually be able to follow through with the full task.

It's been tough for me to admit, but as an anxious person, I also find it really tough to give myself a break. I know it doesn't show, but being a workaholic is actually a bit of a coping mechanism. If I keep working and don't relax, then I'll get everything done and I won't feel guilty about not crossing things off my to-do list, right? Guilt is indeed one of those other messy feelings that prevents you from doing the things you know you need to do. Sometimes, I even feel guilty when I choose to go to the gym when I could be working on my thesis, even though I KNOW that the gym will make me feel better overall, help heal my knee injury, AND make me more productive in my thesis work. Not to mention give me a much better night's sleep!

It's a bit of a vicious cycle, and that's why it's so hard for people affected with mental illnesses to discuss their experiences. But we must. Because people need to know. They need to understand so that they can stop judging and so they can admit that they too have dealt with some of these issues. We need to have a real conversation about mental health and how the government needs to step up and start dealing with the repercussions of the modern day "go go go" lifestyle we now live.

But the discussion starts at home, with your family, your friends, your doctor. Call the local health line. Tweet about it. Post an awkward Facebook status that calls for attention and then LET PEOPLE HELP YOU when they ask if you're okay.

Be honest with yourself. It's okay to feel down sometimes, and it's okay if "sometimes" becomes "most of the time". You're not alone, and chances are that if you reach out to someone, that person will tell you they've felt like that too.

Don't be afraid to call your friend in the middle of the night even though you know they're going to be pissed at you and they probably won't answer and then you'll have worked up the courage to call for no reason. Talk yourself INTO these decisions instead of letting the fear, guilt and anxiety talk you out of it.

And please please please be open about your experiences. If you've dealt with a mental illness in the past, or are dealing with one today, help break the stigma, and talk about it now. Why wait? Bell says let's talk. Whether or not you like their corporate sponsorship approach, the message is valid. It's time to talk, Canada, and there's no time like the present to start the conversation.

PS: I hope this post helps at least one of you feel more comfortable with your crazy feelings. We're all a bit messed up - maybe part of our healing can be to help others heal too.

PPS: Hug someone today and every day. Hugs are awesome. Chocolate is awesome too. And pets! And babies! Find your happy and let yourself enjoy it! :)

On the top 5 regrets of the dying

When doing my media round-up this morning, I came across this piece in the Toronto Star discussing things to know before you die. It sounds morbid, but it's not. Instead, I found it to be inspiring. With thoughts from big names in various industries, it makes for a quick, easy read. 

But it was the first paragraph that captured my attention. Australian palliative care nurse Bronnie Ware collected the thoughts of her dying patients and shared their wisdom and life lessons in a blog called Inspiration and Chai and then in a book entitled The Top 5 Regrets of the Dying.

Here's an excerpt, from the article, with Ware's comments:

“I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.” 

-This was the most common regret of all. 

“I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.” 

-This came from every male patient I nursed. 

“I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.” 

-Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. 

“I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.” 

-Many had been so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. 

“I wish that I had let myself be happier.” 

-Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice.

Bonnie goes into more detail for each of these top five regrets on her blog's Regrets of the Dying page. It's worth reading, and a good reminder that the goal of life doesn't have to be to make tons of money and live in a huge mansion full of stuff. Indeed, life's goal might just be happiness and success that comes from within.

I look forward to picking up Bonnie's book and being inspired by the wisdom of those who have led long lives and discovered the things that matter the most.

On reaching the 100,000 tweets #milestone

Yes, you read that right. If all goes as planned, the link to this blog post will be my 100,000th tweet. One hundred THOUSAND! Now that's a milestone!

It's incredible. I don't know how I made it this far. Sure, it helps that I started tweeting on July 15, 2007. And that I used to live-tweet many sporting and breaking news events.

I'm also known for my high rate of retweets. If something is interesting, worth reading, or worth thinking about, whether or not I agree with it, I retweet it. It helps start a conversation that would not take place otherwise. And quite honestly, I've had some amazing discussions following innocent, innocuous retweets, and not always about easy topics.

But I think that most of my tweets came from my high volume of interaction, which, after all, is the whole point of Twitter. I routinely come back to my phone after spending time tweeting from the computer to see @NailaJ has 97+ mentions.

Clearly, I must be doing something right.

To me, it's not just about sharing with others but also responding to what others share with you. The basis of humanity is interaction, and since we're all so busy with our very individualistic work/fun/food/gym/sleep life routines, Twitter is a way to break through the isolation that has now become quite a normal affair.

When I first moved to Kingston, as I told Kingston Life Magazine in my first (of many?) cover story on social media, I found a community in Twitter. I learned all about my new home, and more than many native Kingstonians, through Twitter. I made friends that will last a lifetime. I helped build Kingston into a better community (I hope!) by contributing to the discussion about and in Kingston and promoting the #ygk hashtag with the Limestone New Media Group.

When I found out that I was moving to Hamilton, the first thing I did, even before looking up apartments - and y'all know how tough that would be for a house-obsessed person like me - is looking up active and influential Twitter accounts in the area. I started making a Steeltown list before I could officially announce my move. I started tracking the #HamOnt hashtag. And once the secret was out, I immediately started following local leaders on Twitter.

It's how I came to meet so many awesome local people and visit so many awesome local businesses in less than three months. It's how I learned more about the community that I am now actively attempting to connect with, and not just for work purposes. It's how I'm slowly starting to adapt to being a Hamiltonian. And it's how I will come to understand my place in this community.

I can't wait.

Meanwhile, I will keep tweeting and keep connecting through Twitter. And one day, I will make it to 200,000 tweets. Maybe. If you keep tweeting with me.

On travels and tribulations

I just came back from a three-week trek to the US. And what a wonderfully varied trip it was!

First stop, Minneapolis for the 2011 NASSS Conference. I was giving two presentations, though that's against the rules, in theory. But, I wasn't breaking the rules, in theory. My first presentation was actually for a co-authored paper, as part of my summer research assistanceship. You can re-watch Avery-one Has An Opinion: Twitter, Same-Sex Marriage, and the NHL here. My second presentation was based on a paper I wrote last year. Watch Tweeting the Game: Is live-tweeting reshaping the NHL fandom experience here.

But this trip wasn't all business. I did some shopping at Target. Several times. Including at the original store location. I rode a rollercoaster at the Mall of America. And I got to see the local area through the eyes of a co-conference attendee and friend who is from the area. Plus, I got to meet Celebration Generation!!

Next stop, Phoenix, where I stayed with a friend and explored the area for a few days before attending my cousin's amazing wedding. I visited the Heard Museum, an experience that made me smile at all the beautiful symbolism but also deeply angered me. There was so much "othering" in the exhibits, as well as by the tour guide, that I left more frustrated than anything.

I also drove up to Meteor Crater (on Historic Route 66!!), the largest and most well-preserved meteorite landing site on Earth. What an amazing and jaw-dropping experience! It's one of those things that photos just can't do justice, so I won't even bother posting one here. You have to see it in person to understand. The vastness makes for a truly spiritual experience that cannot be replicated. Nature is simply... ungraspable.

The wedding events were absolutely spectacular too. As a part of the family, I was able to attend basically everything, and, as a wedding lover, I was in heaven. On one of the days, between the civil ceremony and the mendhi night, I also got out for a hike! I chose Pietsewa Peak rather than Camelback or Echo Mountain because it was supposed to be less steep. This was the case... in theory. The terrain was very rocky and there were several ups and downs along the way. My knee was very unhappy. But just imagine if I'd gone with a steep trail! After 2.5 miles of my 4ish, I started feeling stabs of pain that made it very tough to walk. It didn't help that the trail indications were a bit confusing. But with some rest and inspiration from a Ms Tracy Lee I met on my last leg, I made it 'til the end!

Tracy told me about her connective tissue disorder, and how her doctors say she should be in a wheelchair. Instead, she hikes Phoenix mountains almost daily despite her torn ligaments and dislocations. And the best part is, she was inspired by me in return! She was glad I took the time to appreciate the mountain when so many locals don't, and despite my recurring knee pain. And all of this started with my simple question about how her Vibram Five Fingers were holding up on the rocky terrain.

After a day of rest, it was time to test my knee on the dance floor... but sadly, I could not bear to even stand in heels. I did dance most of the night away in my flats though, and the fun and cousin time was absolutely worth it!

The one downside of this leg of the trip was our hotel woes. We stayed at the Homewood Hilton in Biltmore-Phoenix. The room was fine... until the card reader decided to stop working on wedding day, leaving us stranded without our outfits and running hours late. After 3.5 hours, two technicians, and two failed attempts to get us in (using a card reader resetting machine and attempting to jack the door), the manager finally decided to take us up on our many many suggestions to try to get in through the window. Within 10 minutes, she was in, having shimmied the locked window "just enough". At ceremony start time. My brother was therefore 2.5 hours late, and I, 1 hour late.

Needless to say, we were very unhappy. We refused to pay for the rooms, and requested a new room. How can I feel safe knowing that, 1. I can get locked out at any time, and 2. Someone can come in through my window in the middle of the day or night and steal my stuff, or worse? But that's all water under the bridge now. The wedding - the part I got to see - was wonderful

Next up, a family roadtrip to the Grand Canyon. Absolutely spectacular. Sunrise, sunset, a few hikes (mini for me, short to average length for everyone else), and amazing once-in-a-lifetime sights. The first day started off on a sour note, though. After all my careful planning, we ran late and missed the very beginning of sunrise. Then, in the afternoon, when my memory card was full, I tried to delete the first batch of pictures, which I had already transferred. For some reason, despite the confirmation message, my camera deleted that morning's batch instead. I was heartbroken. I only discovered this on our very last stop of the day. I lost so many unique shots that the rest of my family didn't get to capture, including shots of them. Thankfully, my SLR captured the landscape, but it's the people shots and the things I wanted to share with all of you that I (still) miss the most. Oh, and to cap off the day, I lost my new thermal hat.

Good news though! Day 2 was better! We found my hat in a parking lot we'd frequented, got to sunrise in plenty of time, and had another wonderful, jaw-dropping Grand Canyon day. And after sunset in Sedona, we hit the road for...

The final stop: Los Angeles for some time with our family there. So much fun! We got to hang out as cousins, I relived my childhood at Disneyland (best part: Aladdin the Musical), shopped at some outlets (and another Target), got an amazing $30 full body massage (Super Relax Massage in Chatsworth. Look it up!), finally saw Santa Monica and biked to Venice Beach from the pier (at sunset!), and had some wonderful food (Mmm... Rock Sugar). Oh, and I discovered my new favourite store ever: Cost Plus World Market. WOW. Walking through that store is like taking a stroll in my brain. But... my camera's acting up again, refusing to focus. I guess it's time for a new toy!

After a quick stop in Montreal, I'm back in Kingston trying to sort out my life. If history is any indication, it'll take me three days to unpack. And then a week to do laundry. But hey, that's what happens when you get back to real life, right?

On love

A few weeks ago, I stumbled upon the TV show "Double Exposure". It's about two world-renown fashion photographers who dysfunctionally work together even though they're no longer romantically involved. As you can expect, there are quite a few heated discussions. Still, these two obviously love each other. In fact, in this episode, Indrani tells her former lover, Markus Klinko:

"I love you too much to be in a relationship with you."

This sentiment especially resonated with me. Take a moment to think about it. It's one of those "so true" statements. And it got me thinking... in this context, what is love? How do you differentiate love that feels like a relationship but isn't?

Over the next few days, I pondered this question. It wasn't an active thought-process but something that popped into my head every now and then. So, without further ado, here are some of the reflections that came to me in my meditation:

LOVE

♥ does not need to be defined to be true

♥ waits for you to open your heart to it

♥ teaches you to let go & live

♥ is the fire that ignites your dreams & fills you with hope

♥ lights up your heart & everything around you

♥ makes you SMILE!

Hope your hearts are full of love today and all year long.

♥

On calluses

Ah, calluses! You build them up, you bite them off, then build them up all over again.

Of course, I'm talking about the calluses on your fingers. It's probably unsanitary to bite off the calluses on your feet, and gross too. Calluses, as you probably know, are a thickened area of skin that has become hard due to irritation or pressure or repetitive use. For example, some people get calluses on their middle fingers from writing too much - I remember those from grade school essay/exam periods! Most people get calluses on their feet: the body's attempt to prevent the formation of blisters. Athletes get calluses too - whether it's from the monkey bars in the park, rock climbing, or rowing, to name but a few.

Everyone grows calluses at some point in their life. Sometimes, you're proud of them - like when it doesn't hurt to lace up your skates anymore. Sometimes, you'd rather not have them at all - like when they're painful or turn into corns. But usually, calluses are good for you.

I've developed a set of calluses on my fingers that I'm particularly proud of. They come from playing the guitar, an exercise that I keep trying to get into but often tend to neglect when "life" happens. I'm happy to say that since living in Kingston and arguably taking on more tasks, chores and responsibilities than ever before - at least in my personal life - I have been able to find more time for guitar playing.

I have been working on my chords, on musical sequences (or as I like to call them "switching fast"), as well as on picking. The latter needs a whole lot more work. The rest is progressing nicely. Recently, I figured out that I was playing the G chord wrong. I was hitting all the right spots but found it hard to "switch" from a G to a Bm, for example. It wasn't that my finger placement was wrong, per se. It's just that in some (many) cases, there was a more optimal placement option. My version works best for G-C-D songs, and playing with simple chords that are located on the first few frets. Throw in a chord that needs to be barred, like something in the F family, and I had a hard time making the switch in time.

Still, the fact that after all these years of attempting to get better at the guitar I've finally reached this level of understanding of my playing habits makes me ecstatic. It's going to take a lot of practice to break the habit, but at least I know what I need to work on. This means that I am not only finding the time to take care of myself outside of work (and by work, I mean school work, volunteer work, household work and paid work), but also that I'm finding the time to disconnect from technology and all that it encompasses (aka the pressures of deadlines, to-do lists, and social media) and reconnecting with my artistic side, and therefore, with myself.

It's interesting how once you open the door for music or any other form of art, you see poetry all around you. Life becomes lighter and more enjoyable, and high pressure situations are no longer do-or-die. Being one with my guitar, even if it's just for one hour a week, has sprouted some hope in me. Not the kind of hope that you get from seeing everyday life as beautiful - that I get all the time. Well, most of the time.

I'm talking about the hope that comes from knowing that in that moment, when you're fully immersed in the music, even if you're focusing on playing the chord just right and remembering the right lyrics and executing it all properly... for that one moment, there is nothing that matters other than you.

Just you. There is no outside pressure, no one tugging at your shirtsleeve (not even your subconscious!) and most importantly, there is a sense of peace and acceptance that this moment is as it is and cannot be changed or controlled or extended. It is, then it was, and it never will be again... and that's not a bad thing.

I think that it's important to find the trigger for this kind of appreciation of life and the space-time continuum. (Yes, I had to make this post somewhat geeky!) When I first started approaching yoga as a combination of physical activity and mind relaxation, I would get this same sort of feeling in the middle of a particularly stretchy sequence of cat & dog (or cat & cow, if that's how you like to call it.) But after time, that disappeared.

I am delighted to have once again found a trigger for this special moment and would like to speculate that it seems to require an enlightenment of more than one function - whether it's the mind/body duality or the music/learning combination. It needs to have both a work and relaxation aspect in order to be powerful. I'm sure some of you are thinking of sex right about now, but I would encourage everyone to find their own trigger aside from sex, which, clearly, does not always leave one with the hassle-free mind we're seeking, or the world would be even more overpopulated than it already is. Find something that calms you and brings you to your sense of oneness. Embrace the moment and harvest the rewards you will get from investing time and effort into that activity, whatever it may be.

And on that note, I'm off to restore some balance into this day by playing some guitar. Burn, calluses, burn!

On the Future of TV News

With reports of journalism jobs being hard(er) to find and discussions at conferences like the Association for Education in Journalism and Mass Communications's annual convention, people in the news industry can't help but wonder about the future. Not just their individual futures but their industry's future.

It's a discussion we've had before, on various platforms and from various points of view. The conclusion remains that we don't know what the future will look like. We just know that it will be different.

I'd like to take a look at what is commonly referred to as journalism's main enemy: the Internet. Why does it work? Because it's customizable. It's targeted. Similarly, which TV stations/networks/coverage tend to make the most cash (and therefore survive longer)? Specialised stations and shows. Things like live sports, or channels dedicated to a single interest, like home design and renovations or fashion. These networks survive because they've found a niche market and they're feeding off of it, both in terms of ratings and ads - it's a targeted "sure thing" investment opportunity.

How does this apply to TV news? Journalists usually agree that all consumers should have access to a source of news that will educate and inform them as well-rounded citizens. In other words, just because your main interest is the stock market doesn't mean you shouldn't know what's going on in Parliament. But let's be honest. After the first five minutes or so of political news, you'll probably switch channels. A good news network will try to keep you watching despite your lack of interest, by using teases, for example. But that's not a commercially viable long-term strategy to retain your attention.

The only way TV news is going to survive in a future overtaken by the Internet, PVRs and "On Demand" is to give consumers what they want, and now. That, for lack of a better word, is what they want. So why not give it to them?

It's not just sports or specialised channels that draw audiences in. News events do the same. Remember #Obamawa? What about the #H1N1 scare or #Haiti aid or, the latest big issue, the BP oil spill? What do these things have in common?

People want to know. They want to know everything and they want to know it now. They just can't get enough coverage and they'll watch several news cycles on several news networks to get their fix. This effectively creates a niche market for information on this issue. But after a day or so, most of the viewers think enough is enough.

What is the future of TV news? Feed the monster. But only if it's hungry.

Every time an event or issue temporarily overtakes the news market, create a specialised "On Demand" stream that will broadcast anything and everything that has to do with the subject. Whether it's NASA's latest space mission or Canada Day, a natural disaster or a political faux-pas, create an individualised stream and feed the monster.

Most of the networks already do it online. Those who know about it and have access to the Internet at the peak of their interest will routinely stream press conference feeds or sporting event coverage. Currently, the networks offer these services for free, mostly because consumers won't pay for a service they're already paying for, whether they consider that to be their cable TV or Internet. Also, most people aren't comfortable paying for any kind of information on the Internet because they're certain they can get it somewhere for free.

But can anyone guarantee a high-quality, uninterrupted, 24h specialised stream? Not on the Internet. Not yet, anyway. But on TV? They've pretty much got it down.

My suggestion - and I want to note that I haven't crunched the numbers on this since broadcast finances are not something I'm familiar with - is to provide that specialised stream on cable TV. Users with a digital box can simply call up their provider (or use self-serve menus) and add CBC News Network 2 or 3 or 4 (for example), depending on which major news story they would like to follow non-stop. The subscription would automatically expire once the story and coverage dies down, or the user could call and cancel it at any time. Set a one-time subscription fee of under $5 per story/stream - my suggestion is somewhere around $3 plus any applicable taxes - and a minimum subscription period of 48 hours, and I'm sure people will pick up on it. I would.

The network would have to broadcast several signals, but since we're switching to digital anyway, it probably wouldn't put too much of a dent in the budget. Getting CRTC clearance is another story.

And what kind of coverage would our reduced newsrooms offer to their new avid customers? Live streams of any of the gazillions of press conferences going on about the topic, interspersed with airport-style "breaking news" segments recorded in a centralised studio, potentially by anchors assigned only to that specific developing news topic or perhaps by the anchor on shift recording for all the specialised channels. You could also throw in live hits from the network reporters on location assigned to the story, interviews with experts and people affected by the story, and related pre-packaged reports - which you're producing anyway. Add in re-packed news conference highlights - longer than the ones played in the main network's news cycle - and boards showing upcoming events related to story, and you've got a nice loop-able mix of non-stop coverage on the news event du jour for the modern news junkie.

In terms of staff, the only extra hires would be technicians to monitor the various streams and editors to package and produce the stream's content. Current online editors would be perfect candidates for this position since they already understand the technology and short attention span of today's news audience. Most of the content is already coming in for the 24h news stations and the live press conference feeds are usually provided as in-house service for a minimal fee.

That way, when a major news story or event takes over the news industry, we won't be overwhelmed by endless reports on an issue, meanwhile getting less than satisfactory coverage of all the other going-ons in the world. And we won't be saturated by a constant flow of information that will make us stop caring about a potentially important issue, or worse, make us actually care about a non-important issue. Like Lindsay Lohan being sentenced to jail.

I don't know about you, but if I could buy non-stop quality coverage of the next shuttle launch, I would. Even if I know I could watch it for free online at NASA TV. Why? Because I can get everything I need to know about that one topic in one spot. And because I'm a space geek. And a political geek would buy coverage to Obama's visit to Canada, and a TV geek would purchase a CRTC telecommunications panel package. In this case, the repetition of the news cycle wouldn't be such a bore because you would choose to watch it.

What do you think? Could dedicated temporary cable streams be the future of TV news?

I guess there's only one way to find out... Stay tuned!

On Packing

Packing sure isn't a piece of cake! It definitely makes you crave cake, though, and not just once piece of it! Thankfully, family BBQs and other social events have kept me on top of the cake cravings.

And how's the packing going, you ask? Pretty well. Everything that's not in my bedroom is packed. Lots of things in my bedroom are packed. It's starting to look pretty barren and bare in here. But just because the full boxes are piling up doesn't mean that there aren't many more empties to fill.

Along the way, I've been taking long walks down memory lane, rediscovering the joys and troubles of my childhood. Let's just put it this way: my teenage years were seriously messed up. Old journals from that time period make me cry because I was so completely enveloped in anger and hate and despair. I'm thankful to have grown past that and hope to never sink into that kind of depression again.

But in all the toils and trouble, there are also rays of sunshine. I've uncovered some long lost art and greeting cards, both given and received. Like a hilarious birthday card my brother gave me with two knock-knock jokes in them... his "thing" at the time. Or the beautiful rose my father drew for one of my pre-teen birthdays. Or the birthday card I received from someone named Stephanie (not sure who or when) that said she was happy to be my friend because I'm so generous and always in a good mood. Awwwww... :)

All in all, I'm making packing progress. Apart from day-to-day items and furniture, the only things I have left to sort are old boxes full of files and school work, and the clothes at the back of my closet. With less than a month to go - well, more like 2.5 weeks if you take away my work days - I think we're gonna be good to go right on schedule.

Bonus MRI update: Apart from some irritation and natural wear and tear (aka minimal grade 1 chondromalacia and minimal mucoid degeneration), my knee is fine. Which means all I can do is more physio and more cycling and hope and pray that my knee gets stronger and the pain goes away. At least there are perks!

Bonus research update: If you study hockey from a socio-cultural perspective, we want to hear from you! Two of my (future) classmates and I are trying to organize a paper session for the NASSS (North American Society for the Sociology of Sport) 2010 Conference in San Diego. You can check out the Call for Abstracts here and scroll down to session #13 for details. Spread the word!

On the Walks

This year, I was able to attend two World Partnership Walks. The first, of course, was Montreal.

(The only picture I took of the 2010 World Partnership Walk in Montreal.)

What a cold, wet, dreary day it was! Still, our team put together a stellar event and over 1K people attended despite the rain - including some people I didn't expect to show due to the weather, like the Social Woman team! In terms of media, we had a pretty decent Walk Day turnout, considering, including an early morning in-studio interview by yours truly at LCN, a live noon news report on SRC and a live hit and day-after report on Radio-Canada Première Chaîne. Our local media sponsor, CTV Montreal, also had us on the evening news. Coverage leading up to the Walk included this piece I wrote for Stock the Warehouse, and a couple of articles for some community papers by media team member Tabish Bhimani.

We also live tweeted the event, which was loads of fun! I helped out with the stage stuff when things got confusing and congested and had a great time hanging out with my media assistant, Karen Fournier, our MC, Paul Karwatsky from CTV, and Eric Bindman, who, with his team from Fatherly Films, provided fantastic live LED screen coverage. Our lineup was great and it's just so unfortunate that all the excellent planning from a core team of nearly all newcomers to the Montreal Walk couldn't be properly executed due to the weather. Still, I think they had a great time, and I hope that they know that we're all really proud of their efforts - we can see that they did/would have paid off.

One week later, I made the trek to Ottawa, even though my bum knee never quite recovered from the Montreal Walk. (It still hasn't, which is very depressing.)

Ottawa had a large Walk site at Major's Hill Park, alongside the scenic Rideau Canal, with the Byward Market steps away, and with Parliament as a backdrop. It was, in one word: nice. Also, they had a beautiful, sunny, nearly scorching day! I will admit I was more than a little bit jealous. Plus, my friend's band, Three Times Lucky, was the main entertainment act, and boy did they rock it out! Or, should I say, blues it out? Either way, it was a fantastic Sunday day trip, and I'm very glad I went, even though I wasn't able to walk the Walk(s).

On a personal note, I would like to thank everyone who contributed to the cause, or supported me in my efforts for the World Partnership Walk. I not only reached my 1K fundraising goal, but you all rose to the challenge of doubling the amount in two weeks. That's right! I met my 2K fundraising goal! :D

I can't even begin to explain how great that makes me feel, and I've got all of you to thank for it. So... Thanks for putting a smile on my face and helping me put smiles on the faces of some of the poorest people in the world. Thanks to you, we're changing the world, one step at a time. Pat yourselves on the back!! You are now a poverty-fighting hero! :)

(Nursing my knee at the 2010 World Partnership Walk in Ottawa.)

On walking the Walk

Tomorrow (or today - Sunday, June 6, 2010 - depending when you're reading this) is the 2010 World Partnership Walk in Montreal. Yes, we have finally reached this long discussed date.
Rain or shine, we will be taking steps towards a better world at the Quays of the Old Port of Montreal (between Jacques Cartier Quay and King Edward Quay) starting at 10:30AM. You can't miss it. We've got a bunch of big white tents set up and loads of glorious orange and blue banners decorating the site. Our start/finish line arch is epic. Oh, and TV people? We've got a jib.

"So... wait. What's the World Partnership Walk again?" It's Canada's largest annual event to fight global poverty by raising awareness and funds for the cause. It takes place in 10 cities across the country, including Montreal! Over 70,000 participants walk the Walk and donate directly to programmes that help people help themselves in fields like education, health, sanitation, strengthening of civil society, rural development, the environment and gender issues.

"Wait, what? What do you mean, 'directly'?" I mean directly! 100% of the funds raised through the World Partnership Walk go directly to international development initiatives coordinated by Aga Khan Foundation Canada.

"Aga Khan... isn't he that religious dude?" Yes, he's "that religious dude", aka the spiritual leader of the Ismaili Muslim community and a world renown philanthropist. Most importantly, it's thanks to his private funds that 100% of your donations can go to AKFC's development programmes. And by the way, AKFC is a non-denominational, not-for-profit, registered Canadian charity. Look them up: 10007 2586 RR0001.

"Okay, so my money helps everybody?" That's right! The Foundation's approach is to go into some of the poorest communities in Asia and Africa, ask them what they need, and then give them access to training, resources and often, Canadian expertise, so they can take full ownership of the projects they are implementing. By supporting the Foundation, you are empowering some of the poorest people in the world to take charge of their own lives and change their futures, immediately improving their quality of life and livelihoods. Oh, and your donation helps leverage additional funding from partners like CIDA or USAID.

"So, why me?" Everyone needs to come up with their own answers, but you can't deny that global poverty is one of the most pressing issues of our time. As Canadians (and Americans and anyone else who has the necessary financial and intellectual capacity), it is our duty to help those in need. We've proved time and time again that we believe in the potential of the developing world. Why not encourage them by giving them the proper tools they need to carry their future in their own hands? It works. I've seen it with my own eyes.

"Why do you Walk?" I walk because I have hope for a better world. One where the world heals itself through understanding, care, and love. One where people who can, help those who can't. One where there is trust in humanity, trust in our capacity, and trust in the power of a dream. I walk because I've seen the smiles of the faces of those we've helped in the past and the hope in the eyes of those we have yet to reach. I walk because I care. I walk because I can. I walk because it's the right thing to do.

Now let me turn the tables over to you. Why do you walk? Show me when you come out to the 2010 World Partnership Walk at the Quays of the Old Port tomorrow - Sunday, June 6 - and walk the Walk. If you can't show up, please donate now - I'm $270 away from my 2K goal! - and know that you've taken steps to make the world a better place. The entertainment lineup is pretty good too ;)

It is time for you to take the lead in changing the world. As Ghandi said... “You may never know what results come of your action, but if you do nothing there will be no result.”

Oh, and "Be the change you want to see in the world."

To contribute to my 2010 World Partnership Walk in Montreal fundraising efforts in the fight against global poverty, please click here. 100% of your donation will go directly to helping people help themselves in some of the poorest countries in the world.
PS: Thank you.

On smiles that trump a paycheck

Well, folks, there are only 5 days left until the World Partnership Walk in Montreal and I am getting very excited because it's shaping up to be a great day, full of fun activities and performances. Check out our lineup!

As you know the World Partnership Walk is Canada's largest annual event to raise funds and awareness to fight global poverty. It takes place in 9 cities across the country and is organized almost entirely by dedicated volunteers - like me! But between you and me, working on Media & Marketing for the Walk has been more of a full time job for the past 3 months and I'd love to be rewarded for my efforts. That's where YOU come in!

Thanks to the generosity of people like you, I met my 1K fundraising goal a couple of weeks ago. So I thought I would issue a challenge to my network to help me double the funds in half the time. So far, I'm at 68%. Do you think you can help me raise the $645 left for me to reach my new target? Any amount helps, from $40 to $100 to $500!

And don't forget, 100% of the funds raised through the World Partnership Walk go directly to international development projects that help people help themselves through long-term sustainable solutions in education, health, sanitation, culture, community strengthening, the environment, gender issues... Aga Khan Foundation Canada's multi-pronged approach aims to enhance the quality of life of some of the poorest people in the world in ALL sectors, and that's what I love about it.

Seeing the smiles on the faces of children who have benefited from their parents' hard work by escaping malnutrition and being able to go to school warms my heart. Just take a look at the pearly whites in the picture of the little boy on my fundraising page! This little kid in Mombasa, Kenya couldn't stop smiling at the camera, so I took a bunch of shots of him and his friends! Isn't he adorable?

I'd love to see all of you and your families at the World Partnership Walk this Sunday, June 6, 2010 at the Quays of the Old Port of Montreal. The activities start at 10:30AM at Place des Vestiges, near Place Jacques Cartier. I strongly encourage you to take public transit as parking in the Old Port is limited and can be expensive. The Walk goes on rain or shine and I expect to see all of you there so I can personally thank you for taking steps to end global poverty.

For those who can't make it to the Walk, I consider your donation a GIANT step towards making the world a better place. Please click here to donate now.

Thank you so much, all of you, for your generous support. It means the world to me.

The smiles we will spark by working together totally trump a paycheck.

On my birthday wish

Those who are familiar with this blog (and me in general) might be expecting a post containing a birthday list. Well, think again.

After many years of making lists yet receiving presents that aren't listed and sometimes not useful - though you don't kick a gift-horse in the mouth and I am thankful for all your thoughts and presents - I decided to scratch that idea. Plus, I have a much better idea!

As I have aged - finer, like wine and cheese, of course - I have discovered that the best gift of all is friendship. So this year, I asked for the company of my friends for 2 cool events. The first was my trapezing/birthday dinner celebration. What a blast!! It's a little nerve-wracking at first but the professionals at Trapezium made sure that we all felt comfortable and safe jumping off the tall tall platform and swinging towards the genie. (You had to be there). Some of us had to conquer our fears to do it, but it was well worth it. I'd love to go back - the next class teaches you how to be caught, circus-style! Later that night, we went for a wonderful birthday dinner at Oyster Shack, a very nice Montreal restaurant.

The second event I'd love to have my friends participate in with me is the World Partnership Walk on June 6 at Place des Vestiges at the Quays of the Old Port. Some of you might have groaned just now, but hear me out.

Every year, we spend tons of money on stuff we don't need. I'm guilty of it too. I purchase books when I could just go to the library instead. I don't really NEED that $5 Starbucks hot chocolate or that new pair of shoes, and guess what? You probably don't either. (Okay, sometimes we really DO need those things, but as a general rule, we can live comfortably without them.)

Imagine if your budgeting concern wasn't for Starbucks but for medicine. Imagine having to decide between having one meal a day or purchasing pills from the dispensary so your sick parent, sibling, or child could have a fighting chance at surviving for another day, another week, another year. These are things we don't usually concern ourselves with because it is not our reality. But for the over 2.6 billion people who live on less than $2 a day, that concern is very real. Think about it. Three out of four people on this Earth cannot afford to eat. We share the same planet, the same values, the same hopes and aspirations. Why can't we help each other out?

This year, for my birthday, I would like you to take the $20 or $40 or $100 you were going to spend on my birthday gift and donate it to the World Partnership Walk. 100% of the funds you give will go directly to international development programmes managed by Aga Khan Foundation Canada that empower local communities to help themselves through cross-cutting projects like ensuring clean water and sanitation, strengthening rural economies, and educating new generations of girls and women.

Please, for my 1/4 century birthday celebration, give me hope. Hope for a better future for our brothers and sisters around the world, hope to inspire us to keep working to eradicate poverty, and hope for humanity. It's easy to give - you can do it online right now by clicking here.

As you know, hope is a dangerous thing. Let's start a social movement by helping some of the poorest people in the world. Let us be the leaders of the change we want to see in the world, for once, and let's see how far this spark of hope can go.

Thank you :)

On the Queen's University

To whom it may concern,

In September 2010, I will be embarking on a new journey. One that starts in Kingston, ON at the Queen's University. For the next two years, I will be a Master's candidate in the Socio-Cultural Studies of Sport programme at Queen's U.

And I am stoked!!!

While this may seem to be a diversion from my current course of career choice, it is not. For my thesis, I will be examining the use of social media by the NHL and its teams and players as a marketing and communications tool. Without spilling too many details, I believe I can find a model that will be applicable not only to NHL teams in general or to professional sports leagues, but also to amateur sports leagues, sporting events, not-for-profit organizations and events and perhaps even to media organizations.

My programme offers the possibility of submitting a thesis by manuscript, which is what I intend to do. Two birds: one stone!

Of course, this decision comes with a bunch of changes, from the content of my closet to my reading materials and my bedroom, not to mention my eating and spending habits. And while I wait for classes to start, I will be keeping busy with my World Partnership Walk Media Relations planning and activities, apartment hunting, and of course, the actual move.

Wish me luck... and link me up with any contacts that you think could help my research!

PS: Did I mention that I'm the new President of the Journalism Chapter of the Concordia University Alumni Association? Our first event is Thursday... I can't wait!

On the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games

And so it is done. In 14 short days, the Vancouver 2010 Olympic Winter Games have come and gone. Vancouver has returned to its former level of activity. There are less people on the streets, those streets are mostly no longer closed to vehicle traffic, and the SkyTrain is no longer bursting at the seams. Just like in Ottawa, there was a budget announced in Vancouver. It's back to business, isn't it?

Well, no. For all of us who were involved in the Games, one way or another, whether through volunteering, participating or spectating, 2010 will be a memorable year. Vancouver and Whistler will leave a mark in our hearts and looking back on the events of Feb 12 to 28 will rekindle our passion for the sports, our country and the experience.

My personal experience was fantabulous. See? It was so fantastic that I can only describe it by using a fake word.

Despite our early stumbles, the staff at The Whistler Sliding Centre recovered admirably well. We gave it our 110% and put out some of the best quotes of the Games. You probably unknowingly read them in your sliding sports recaps. They were better than the cliché I just used, I promise.

Thanks to the wonderful support of our Olympic News Service (ONS) Supervisor and Sports Writer, we - my co-reporters and I - learned more than just the basics of Luge, Skeleton and Bobsleigh. By the final Runs and Heats of the competition, we were able to have knowledgeable conversations with the real, paid reporters in the Mixed Zone. Sure, some of them were rookies like us, but we could even keep up with the best beat writers out there. We made predictions, comments and suggestions. We were able to ask poignant questions and understand the ones posed by other reporters. We were even able to understand the athletes' answers, and better yet, tell them apart! This proved to be quite useful during the Four-Man Bobsleigh event, and our studying served us well.

In the end, working for ONS was a work contract like any other. But it wasn't. To echo the athletes, it's just another race except it's the Olympics. I made friends for life (I hope!), invaluable contacts on both sides of the fence (in the journalism world and in the Olympic family), and I learned. I learned from sports reporters, from ONS staff, from fellow volunteers. I learned from the athletes, from their responses, from their races.

And I laughed! When we were exhausted and hungry, we laughed. When we were cold and wet, we laughed. When we were done for the day and more than ready for bed, we laughed.

Sure, we had our ups and downs. We got frustrated and argumentative. We disagreed with each other and sometimes were quite vocal about our dislikes. But that's just part of the job. It's part of the stress of working long back-to-back days, part of the pressure of always being on the ball, part of the difficulties a live sporting event experience. And I loved it. Because overall, we laughed.

The best part was the bubble. It was also the worst part. You get so into your sport, into your venue, into your athletes that you just can't absorb any additional information. Medals and crashes in other sports? Nope, haven't seen them. A snow storm in Montreal? Nope, haven't heard about it. Haven't read that article. Haven't spoken to my family and friends in a few days. Haven't had time to read status updates on Facebook. Yet the only reason I found out about the snow was because people were complaining about it in their status. But don't ask me what people were tweeting about. I could barely catch up on emails and direct responses!

The bubble is what pushed me to escape Whistler as soon as my last shift was done. Quickly home to pack and catch the bus. Nothing against this snowy, wintery Olympic town. The atmosphere was fantastic, the people were super friendly, full of fun and enthusiasm. And it's not that I didn't want to celebrate the end with my co-workers... I just needed to get out of the bubble. To further the analogy, it's like when you blow a bubblegum to the limit and it's about to burst and you suck it back a little just in time to avoid it embarrassingly covering your face. That's how you feel at the end of an intensive gig.

Luckily, I was able to catch some of the Olympic fever in Vancouver as well. I came back to Van City when I had a couple of days off and toured some of the attractions, though I was not at all interested in wasting my day waiting in line. The beautiful spontaneous Inukshuk wall between Science World/Rusky Dom and GM Place/Canada Hockey Place is the kind of passion that turns me on, and I loved just basking in the energy of the host city.

I also felt the pulse of the city on Feb 27-28, thanks to my speedy return from Whistler. Crowded streets and spontaneous "Oh Canada" chants, red and white at every turn of the head. I watched the Gold Medal Men's Hockey Game with my family, in their living room, sharing simultaneous heart-attacks with hockey fans from all over the globe. When we went out for dinner later that night you could still feel the electricity in the air and the high, soaring spirits of the inhabitants.

And then, just like the sudden onset of my post-ONS, post-Whistler blues, the city crashed. Call it a passion-low. The flame was extinguished, it was done, it was over, and we all had to face the facts and go back to our normal, boring everyday lives. Transit that's not as regular. NHL games with predictable intermission interviews. And thankfully, streets that are much easier to navigate without a gazillion people crawling along at a snail's pace.

I'm glad I took a few extra days to experience the city's true face. And guess what? Even sans Olympics, I still love it. Don't worry, Vancouver. I might be leaving you on Thursday but I'll be back before you know it!

Stay tuned... I should be posting pictures to Flickr soon!

On Nodar Kumaritashvili

As you have no doubt heard by now, there was a tragic accident at Men's Singles Luge training at the Whistler Sliding Centre on Friday.

21-year old Georgian athlete Nodar Kumaritashvili slid off his sled and off the track, hitting a solid post. When it happened, I was in the Mixed Zone. I didn't not personally see the incident, but I heard a disturbance. The reporters who were watching the live footage on the big screen exclaimed in surprise and distress.

Hours after it was all over, after the Opening Ceremonies, after a comforting dinner with some of my co-workers and lighting some candles at the Olympic rings in Whistler Village, I came home and turned on the TV. It was still all over the news. As well as a soldier's death in Afghanistan and a young woman's death in Ontario. It was a tough night for Canada.

I also posted a few stories on the incident. One on juggling being a reporter and being a human being. One on the balance between reporting the news and exploiting someone's death.

The latter got a lot of comments on my Facebook page, and most people agreed that the footage of the crash leading to Nodar's death should not have been showed. However, they disagreed on the degree to which the death should have been reported. I would like to share the comment I wrote in response to theirs.

It is worth noting that this was my third comment on the story. The first explained how the Olympic Broadcast Service cut the feed of the crash as soon as it happened, but CTV, ABC and other networks aired the full crash footage. CTV stopped airing the actual crash once it became clear that Nodar had passed away. ABC not only showed the full crash, they also aired a picture of his bloody face, receiving CPR before being put in the ambulance.

My second comment referred to the idea that people "need to know" and the media being the ones to deliver that information to keep people informed, though I didn't agree with airing the full footage and said that if someone was truly compelled to watch it, they could be pointed to it online.

Commentators on the post talked about conscience, the morbid interest we have in death - something we can't understand, on ratings and money, on having limits and respect and not airing something if you're "struggling" with the decision, on family and friends having to see it over and over again, and on how the incident airing live could not have been prevented but networks would never air the footage of someone being shot to death.

Without further ado, here is my long-winded response to all these concerns and comments. It is my form of therapy and sharing it with you will make it easier for me to deal with this horrific incident, put it behind me, and enjoy the rest of the Olympic Games.

There was no way of knowing what would happen live, so that's not up for discussion. I personally don't think that it should have aired completely, but if it hadn't, I and other reporters who are covering the story would have seen it and wouldn't have been able to understand what happened.
That doesn't mean that I would have put it on a broadcast. Like I said, I would have aired up until the sled started slipping, and cut it there.

An article doesn't work for TV, unfortunately, and having an anchor on cam for over a minute describing the incident doesn't work either.

There are rules in Canada - and journalistic ethics - that prevent the showing of someone's death on TV and it should have stayed that way. If there was any indication at all that Nodar had passed away (which there was - one reporter I talked to who saw the crash live (on the venue screen) said right away that he thought Nodar might be dead), then you shouldn't show the moment of death. It's a lack of respect, it's unnecessary, and it's gruesome.

Ratings shouldn't matter in this case. What if his family and/or friends had been watching and this was how they heard/learned about the death?

Similarly, nothing serious should have been tweeted/FB about the incident until the family was notified and the IOC confirmed the death. Reporting that there was a major crash is one thing. Putting it out there that he's dead when there hasn't been a confirmation is unacceptable.

Yes, journos want to get the story and get it first, but at some point, humanity has to step in. Just as there are embargo rules on deaths in military zones, there should be embargo rules applied to ALL deaths.

As for having it online, I don't think it should be advertised, but human beings can't help but be curious and want to see it for themselves to believe it, even if the footage is behind a gazillion disclaimers - people tend to ignore those. In this case, competition and ratings did take over, but before any networks put the OBS footage online, some people had apparently already put it on YouTube. That's gross and it pisses me off.

I was there, I heard the scrapping of the sled and the initial exclamation from those who saw it happen. I felt the moment of shock, when we were all frozen in our understanding and realization of what had and may have happened. Then, someone sprung into action and decided to head down to the crash site. By then, Nodar was already being moved into the ambulance. Some reporters saw more than I did, and photographers captured some gruesome images. I don't blame them, that's human curiosity. You do want comes natural, and taking the shot is what photographers do naturally.

I saw Nodar's feet as he was put into the ambulance. That was enough for me. When I saw the crash footage later, and how still Nodar had been, there was no doubt in my mind that he died instantly. The networks should have come to the same realization and decided NOT to air the footage.

Nodar Kumaritashvili, rest in peace. Here's a prayer for your soul and the quick healing of all our hearts. May we remember only the positives from your life and may your legacy make your favourite sport safer for all. I hope you left this world full of joy and the thrill of doing what you like the most, not fear or desperation.

My condolences to the whole Olympic family.

On Falling in Love

Why do we fall in love?

Boy or girl, we are naturally programmed to seek out that fairytale ending, our "happily ever after". More often than not, it ends in disaster and pain, but we keep trying, hoping we'll find "the one" some day.

When you meet someone you think you would like to date, do you get excited? Don't deny it... Being with that person makes you feel warm and fuzzy inside. You can't help but wonder how you would be together, if the search is finally over, if this is it, the moment you fall in love for the last time, "the one". Unless, of course, it's a purely physical attraction and those are your intentions from the start. But disregarding that option, if you're looking for a relationship, you might wonder about the future.

For some, these initial long-term thoughts are a test. Do I see myself with this person? Could we still have fun hanging out after the initial spark is gone? Will we be holding hands as we grow old?

It might sound sappy, but it's true. We all do it. It's an internal response system that is meant to help you reject the insufficient options so you don't waste your time. It's not just psychological, in fact, it's more likely biological. After all, male or female, the clock is ticking. There's a sense of urgency to finally finding the security of life-long company, whether you're an introvert or an extrovert, independent or co-dependent, whether you've already built a life for yourself or are just laying down the foundations for your future.

We long for the company of a warm body on a cold winter night, for snuggles by the fireplace and a hand to hold as you walk through the park, someone to share ice cream with on a hot summer's day, someone to comfort you when you're mad or sad and tell you that it's going to be alright. We cannot help but look for it, though we know that it's only when we stop searching that we truly open ourselves up to love, and to being loved.

Why this compulsion that so often leads us in the wrong direction? There is nothing positive about settling for a relationship that is stagnant and prevents you from growing. It's a waste of time and yet we do it anyway. Why do people so often stay in abusive relationships? We convince ourselves that it's not so bad, that our partner doesn't really have that many faults, that he/she doesn't really mean to hurt us, and that maybe, just maybe, we could be a little more patient, give a little bit more, and then, it just might work.

Human beings are lazy, yes, but we don't like to give up. Nobody likes to feel like a failure. We have a hard time admitting that it's just not working. That's why break-ups are so hard, for both sides. No matter how much or how little you've invested in the relationship, by breaking up, you're admitting that you were wrong, it was a waste of time and, more importantly, that your search isn't over. The dreams go out the window when you hear the words: "I'm sorry, you're not the one." And every time, you grieve, as if it was. In your mind, you had already committed your heart and soul. You had already fallen in love. And now, you've lost it all: what you had, what you could have had, what you thought you had. Time to start from scratch, rev up your engine, folks, because the harsh dispiriting search is back on.

It's why we have rebounds. And relapses.

We just cannot fathom being alone, not having someone to share special moments with, not having someone to grow old with, not having someone to die with.

We are afraid of being alone, no matter how much we enjoy it. We'd like to have our alone time during the day but come home to a warm, occupied bed. We want to have it all.

And that's why relationships fail. Because we're trying too hard to convince ourselves that it's the right match. Because we don't want to keep searching, because that's too hard, on the heart, on the mind, on the body... Because we'd rather have the knowledge that things aren't perfect but at least we've got someone to call. Because we'd rather have something than nothing at all.

We fall in love, right or wrong, whether we want to or not, because we need to. Because the very definition of being human is to seek out comfort and acceptance and love. Because it's a biological longing to procreate and to leave something of yourself behind when you go. Even though it means more tears than smiles, more heartaches and crying, more desperation and more pain, we keep trying to fall in love, keep hoping this is "the one", keep searching for our fairytale ending, our "happily ever after".

Why do we fall in love? Because we don't have a choice.

Why blogging about Africa is tough

Many of you have been asking me to blog more about my trip to Africa. As you can see, that hasn't happened.

Sure, I've been busy catching up on work. I was out of town again this week too. It's not that I don't want to blog. It's not even that I don't have time to do it.

It would in theory be very simple for me to treat this as any other assignment, look through my notes from each day's visits, select a few explanatory pictures, and put together a short text on what we saw and learned.

But it's so much more than just that. It was an experience. It wasn't so much a cultural shock, at least, it wasn't different than I expected it to be. But the mounds of information we absorbed in the little amount of time we had to absorb it... I know I've said this before, but I haven't sorted it all out yet.

I want to make sure that my blogs are truly reflective of this experience. I want to share the best anecdotes with you, from the personal and the professional sides of this trip. I want to show you the most beautiful or tearful pictures so you can better understand what I mean. I want you to feel like you were right there in Kenya with me.

And until I figure out how to share all of this with all of you, I'd prefer not to post lame little textbook-style descriptions of the projects we visited in Nairobi and Mombasa. I'm not trying to be selfish. I just want to be true to myself, to my fellow tripgoers, to AKFC, and most importantly, to the efforts of all the thousands of people involved in each and every one of those projects, from start to finish.

I hope you can understand... Until then, stay tuned!

It's all coming back to me now

I had been meaning to blog more about Africa earlier, but working Rogers Cup tennis for 7 straight days basically took up all my time. It was eat, work, sleep, and lots of transit. But, I did manage to make some professional gains. It was my first gig as a bug operator for CBC, which means I was responsible for putting the scoreboard and stats in... and updating it too! This means I really needed to understand tennis, and after 4 days of actively watching it, I managed to figure it out :)

But back to the topic of the day: Africa.


I've already given you an overview of the trip, and I do plan on going into more details about some of our visits, but I think it's also important to understand how different the worldview is, or, as it turns out, how similar life in Kenya is to life in Canada.


Things that are the same... but not

* Slowpoke! *

Ya know how when you're driving, and the car in front of you is driving at a snail's pace and you just wish they'd change lanes and let you pass? You're gonna flash your high beams, aren't you? Well, in Kenya, they do that too! It's not a big realization, but it definitely showed me that some things we believe apply only to our culture are actually more universal than we think! And in East Africa, you don't get deer or moose crossings, but cow crossings. One time, our matatu nearly hit a cow to try to get it to cross faster. It wasn't impressed. It moo-ed at us and hit back!

* The stars *

Well, they're not the same because we're in different hemispheres, but they are just as beautiful. The difference is that in North America, you see stars lower on the horizon, while in Kenya, you really have to look straight up. I had a blast hanging out at the outdoor lounge at the Serena Mombasa, lying back and watch these natural gems sparkle. One night, three of us even saw a shooting star! My first confirmed sighting, and what a sight it was!

* Media *

During our visit of the Nation Media Group facilities, I came to a startling realization. The more I listened and looked around, the more I was certain that while the media values, facilities and equipment are the same in Kenya as in North America, the East African newsrooms are evolving at a quicker pace. I believe that's because they're learning from our mistakes and successes. Basically, they're skipping the middle step, the trials and errors we made trying to achieve better quality and smoother content. Kenya is going digital this year. They're not in HD yet, but that's the next step. While here in Canada, we're struggling with upgrading from analog to digital because of the cost of the equipment, East Africans are at a natural equipment-replacement point and are able to purchase high end HD equipment as part of the renewal process. We tried to do it all too fast... We're in HD, but not true HD: True HD means that shooting equipment is HD, Audio is 5.1, transmission is HD, cables/transmitters are HD-capable, receivers and watching equipment are HD... If even one element is in standard definition, it's not HD. In Africa, they love gadgets. It won't be a problem to get people to buy HD TV sets, especially given that most people would probably be getting them as their first sets.

*Gender balance*

Most of the Frigoken factory workers in Nairobi were female. However, this was done by choice, not because of gender bias. Sure, women are detail-oriented and good with veggies, but does that mean they should be the ones assigned to snap the tips off green beans? The reason Frigoken employs mostly women is because this job allows them to provide a secondary income to their families. In some cases, it is the only decent job a woman with relatively little education can get in the city. And they make it easy too... The plant offers a drop-off daycare service in one of the adjoining buildings, and if I understood correctly, it's free! How many North American plants can boast the same? Also, many of the farmers in the village were women, although their husbands may own the plots.


Things that really are different

*The buses*

You've already heard the stories... The matatus run on a completely different system than our North American transit. It's more of a taxi-like system, regulated by the government to some extent in that drivers have to register their vehicles and pay some sort of fee. It's also like taxis because the drivers are absolutely insane. That's where the similarities end, though. Matatus are little white Toyota minivans/SUVs, often covered in all kinds of slogans and celebrity names. The most popular ones? Tupac and Obama buses. The slogans sometimes don't make sense... Why would an East African matatu driver decorate his bus to the theme of the Minnesota Wolverines? (No, not Michigan) Or "The Game"? Matatus decide to patrol specific routes, but pick people up and drop them off anywhere along that road or in that neighbourhood... And at the rate that these buses pass, you can probably get anywhere on time! Sometimes, you could see multiple matatus pulled over alongside the highway, trying to get people on board for the 2 Kenyan Shillings fair, which more or less converts to 2 cents.

*What time is it?*

In Kenya, you really can set your clock to the sun. Every day, without fail, the sun rises between 6:30 and 6:45 and sets between 6:30 and 6:45. It's absolutely amazing! You figure that's how villagers go by their day... So very impressive.

Nairobi vs. Mombasa

*Nairobi*

Nairobi is like any other metropolis: busy, constantly moving, full of people crowding the streets. In fact, it reminded me a bit of NYC. The only difference, of course, is the predominant skin colour on the downtown streets. But they're all in suits and briefcases, going about their day.

*Mombasa*

Mombasa, on the other hand, is totally a beach resort... Until you get to the main part of the town. There, you can definitely see the different levels of poverty, which are much more obvious than in the Nairobi outskirts. It's not just the shantytowns... From the moment you leave the Mombasa airport and until you reach the touristy beach resort, you can see the true face of East African poverty.


Those are just some general observations about my trip to Kenya. Next post? Coming home, and realizing how different life truly is from one end to the world to another.

Stay tuned...

Karibu: Welcome to Kenya

WOW!

Talk about an exhausting journey!

After 2x 7.5 hour plane rides and a 4h layover in Heathrow, we finally made it to the Serena Hotel in Nairobi, Kenya at approximately 9:30pm East African time... That's 17h of traveling, folks!

Friday in Ottawa, we had a full day orientation session, which was full of intellectual stimulation. It really got me thinking not only about what my interest in international development and how it compares to those of some younger, more accomplished people taking part in this trip. It also reminded me how much general/historical knowledge I do have, and how much I love learning about this kind of critical thinking about world poverty, etc.

I also realized that I'm pretty blunt on this and other topics, mostly about the real motives behind aid. Maybe it's because I have a more overall approach and I don't believe "it's just altruism" B.S.. Human beings, ultimately, are selfish. It's part of our nature.

I took a lot of other notes on my perceptions of the day and the topic of the day, including some good quotes from the little extract of the Monk debates that we watched, but I think I still need to internalize it all before I'm ready to share. I should also wait until I'm more awake ;)

The plane ride from YOW to Heathrow was great! Megan and I switched up our assigned seating to sit together... and no one sat in the third seat in our block! We were therefore able to stretch our legs out during the long flight, which was definitely helpful. I didn't get much sleep, however, and wasn't even able to sleep during our London layover!

Once we got on our Kenya Airways flight to, you guess it, Kenya, I made myself sleep... and I did, after attempting to watch a movie. I then finished one of the books I had brought along with dinner, then slept some more, then had a snack, and dozed off a bit before landing. I got some great shots of the Alps and of the red Saharan desert from the sky... Gorgeous!

I still need to go through all my pictures though, because you can bet I'm taking a whole lot of them!

The only problem with my flight was sitting behind someone who had her seat back the WHOLE TIME, and next to a man who seemed to be sick and was constantly coughing/wheezing and picking his nose. SO not cool!

Upon arriving in Kenya, Megan (who has been my amazing roommate from Ottawa to Kenya, and is also blogging for her company, AbeBooks) and I checked in, showered, and basically went straight to bed.

Sunday morning, we were up early (1am EDT, which is about 8am EAT). We did the buffet breakfast with the rest of the group, then left for a mini-safari trip to the David Sheldrick Wildlife Trust, where we saw some orphaned elephants, some warthogs (PUMBA!) and a couple of rhinos. They were absolutely adorable! I was able to get some good pictures and videos, including a few good macro-mode flower shots for my mom :)

We then proceeded to the Giraffe Centre where we obviously saw giraffes. We were also able to feed them, which provided some great pictures too! They were very friendly, with nice long eyelashes and a long tongue... which was actually kind of prickly! It felt as if there was hair on it or something.

Then, instead of going to lunch (which we all really needed!) and then to the Nairobi National Park, we decided to make our way to the Aga Khan University Hospital/School of Nursing because the Aga Khan himself, the Imam of the Ismaili Muslims, was in town for some meetings. We tried to get in through a contact, but weren't able to make it in time. Instead, most of the group lined up on the sidewalk with other Ismailis to await him crossing the street from the Campus to the Hospital, hoping to get a glimpse. A few of us retreated to the Hospital entrance, because we figured that it would provide a better sighting angle, and indeed, it did!

One of the guys in the security team allowed us to stand nearby, and the Aga Khan passed by a mere couple of feet away from us. He seemed happy and much more relaxed than during the millions of Golden Jubilee outings he has been taking part of recently. We were not allowed to take any pictures or videos because of media exclusivity rights, but it was nice to see him and his daughter, Princess Zarah, in such a casual setting.

Finally, after many hours of waiting and pacing and starving, we went back to the hotel for a quick change of clothes and made our way to Nairobi's famous game meat restaurant, Carnivore. It was amazing to see the city at night! During our day trips, we got used to the insane traffic, the crazy passing cars, and the colourful matatu buses. There is a good balance between buildings and green space, and giant billboards border the roads. It is very different from North America, but in many ways, it is the same. Since we already had the general feel of the landscape and were used to the bumps, the night trip was pretty enjoyable.

So was dinner! It started with a delicious soup that was probably a cream of some broccoli-like veggie and lentil. Then came serving after serving of beef sausages, chicken breast, chicken wings (which tasted awesome!), ostrich meatballs, lamb chops... in unlimited amounts! For desert, I chose the Black Magic cake, which was fantastic! It was definitely the best of the choices, at least from the ones I sampled from other people's plates ;) The mocha- flavoured Italian ice cream was a close second though...

Today was the start of another long day, the first official day of our trip. Our 6:45 am wake-up call was just early enough to make our 8am bus for a village outside of Nairobi, where we met with the CEO of Frigoken, whose name currently escapes me, and two guys name Peter, who were part of the regional and farming management team. We drove down tiny slanted dirt roads to make our way to the farm lands, and stood amongst the flowering green bean crops as we got a briefing on the company's structure, activities, and their relationship with the farmers. There was so much information shared with us at this point, so I will need some time to put deeper thoughts together, but what I remember the most is the CEO explaining that Frigoken takes all the risks, and if the crops don't turn out, the farmers don't lose anything. This, and other transparent operating policies, creates what he referred to as a relationship of trustworthiness with the farmers and the villagers.

Each farmer needs to meet a good list of requirements, including easy access to water and land ownership. The trading posts should be no more than a 30 minute walk from the crops/village, they need to respect the principle of fallow farming, and they are not allowed to cultivate more than one 250 meter square plot in order to ensure high quality. Frigoken provides the seeds, training, fertilizers (if needed), organic pesticides and their application, as well as many other resources. One plot/farmer will provide about 20 kilos of green beans, which are then hand-packed into approximately 800 cans, if I remember my numbers correctly.

It was actually quite interesting to hear about the whole process, from the business perspective to the farmer's perspective, and to get a little glimpse of what it's like to live in a small Kenyan village. One Peter actually used to be a farmer in this village... it was his home! He got promoted to centre supervisor, then technical supervisor, and now overseas the activities of 8 centres, or villages!!! Pretty impressive, isn't it?

It wasn't lunch time yet, though we were all getting pretty hungry! Instead, we made our way to the actual Frigoken factory and were guided through the whole plant, from receiving to labelling. Again, there was a lot to absorb in this portion of the trip... and I'm too tired to recall it all! One thing I do remember is that there were a lot of women working in the factory, both in the green bean and butternut squash portions of the plant. That is not a coincidence, but it's also probably not what you might think.

The factory planners, when they were deciding on how they wanted to run the plant at its inception, decided that women would make better labourers because they are hard working and knowledgeable. The idea is also that these women provide a secondary income to their families. They live nearby and walk to work. There are about 20% of permanent workers (mostly women and male factory floor management), and the rest are casual employees who get more work in busy seasons and less when it's calm like now. The farms also employ more women than men, though that's more because of the culture than earning a secondary income. About 85% of the primary farmers are women, though the whole family works on the crops. At the factory, there is a small daycare centre for women who need to bring their kids to work. We were able to visit the space and it's spotless and gorgeously decorated with Kenyan interpretations of typical North American childhood characters like the Teletubbies, Winnie the Pooh and, get this... Bart Simpson!

We finally went to lunch at a great Indian restaurant near a grocery store in the Ukay district - though I initially thought that was UK ;)

Unfortunately, the food was perhaps a bit TOO good and we were all pretty sleepy during our tour of the Aga Khan University Hospital/School of Nursing. It's a fairly small campus, but the hospital definitely had more to offer. Today, unlike when we found ourselves there yesterday, we did not see any medical emergencies. Which was a relief, because they were pretty painful to watch and felt like an intrusion on the patients family's privacy.

After a quick meeting with the head of the Aga Khan Development Network in East Africa, we headed back to the hotel and parted ways. We all needed a good shower after walking in the red dirt roads. They're gorgeous and make me look nice and tanned, but the tiny sand gets a little bit cakey after a while.

I really enjoyed today's drive because it allowed me to see more of the true Kenyan landscape: bidonville-style villages, quick road-side matatu pick ups, all kinds of people walking or running alongside the highway, rickshaw delivery/transport guys going at car-like speeds in the middle of traffic, small tin markets, railroad tracks, the insanely huge Del Monte fields, and some very pretty lakes!

I am pretty well aware that I'm in Africa now, though it took a long long time to sink in. It still doesn't always feel like a different continent, and I believe I'm become quite used to the sounds and sights, and after only 2 days!

I do miss my alone time and my guitar... Even though I don't necessarily play it every day or for that long, I miss being able to reach over and strum a bit. Perhaps what I am really missing is the music... African favourites seem to be old 80s music!

I will post pictures when I have the time to sort through them, which probably won't be for a while. But it'll be worth it just so you can see the Obama matatu buses! :)

Tomorrow, we visit the Nation Media Group and have a briefing with the CEO of Aga Khan Foundation East Africa before heading to the beautiful (or so I hear!) coast city of Mombasa. I can't wait to see the ocean!

Stay tuned...