On 2013

Oh, I know. I could've come up with a better title for this post. But you know what? It's not important.

That's something I learned in 2013. The small details we worry about? They're only worth losing sleep over if they make an impact on your or someone else's life. Of course, everything makes some sort of impact, but the past year has taught me to manage my energies and focus on things that truly matter.

But this post is not about the past. Because while 2013 was full of great moments and lessons learned, the whole point of living is to keep getting better, stronger, happier. And dwelling on past mistakes is not, I have found, the best way to keep you motivated and moving forward. So here are some of my most meaningful accomplishments of 2013, with a new goal for pushing myself further in 2014.

1. "Be gentle with yourself." - Yup, I'm still working on this one. All my health practitioners, friends, family... This is what they repeated to me throughout 2013. When you're dedicated to your work (as I am) and have a tendency towards perfectionism (as I do) and are stubborn about meeting real or self-imposed deadlines (as I am), well... You tend to forget that a healthy, happy life requires balance. Not necessarily in every moment of every day, but overall, balance, or a rhythm of balance, is key to longterm success. And part of that is learning to say "no", which I'm also still working on. So, in 2014, I will endeavour to be gentle with myself in actuality, not just say that I will and then forget to build in "me" recovery time when I'm trying to make everything fit into my schedule.

2. Learn from past mistakes but don't let them bring you down. - Oh, y'all should see my Pinterest boards. There's one called "Life Lessons". Half of those are about finding love. The other half are about making mistakes, learning from them, and not letting others' actions hurt you. In 2013, I finally learned my lesson about friendship. Don't invest into relationships that your counterpart is not investing in. Don't set expectations or make assumptions that your understanding of this friendship is the same as the other person's. Don't let your kindness, love, and thoughtfulness turn you into someone else's puppet. So, in 2014, I will endeavour to make time to pre-assess, assess, and re-assess (that's a teacher joke!) my relationships and voice my concerns early rather than let them build and explode into messy fireworks.

3. Stop doubting yourself and take risks. - This one is about all the new things I tried this year and found I actually enjoyed. Competing in Dancing with the Stars for Easter Seals Kingston. Painting acrylics on canvas for the first time. Writing songs on the guitar, with the intention and the inspiration for the song coming from playing the guitar. Meeting new people, who are now a huge part of my friend-family. Going to new places, because I've always wanted to, and because I could, like re-visiting Savannah, GA and Charleston, SC. Making last minute decisions instead of always planning everything out. A lot of these great moments come from learning to manage my anxiety, so this point is also linked to points 1 and 2. I owe a lot of thanks to my support system, both friends and family and things - yes, things! - because sometimes, you just need to watch your favourite cheesy movie and eat waaaay too much chocolate, and then chips, and cry it all out. And then move on. So, in 2014, I will endeavour to keep taking risks and to stop talking down to myself. Because who is going to stand up for me if I don't even stand up for me? 

4. Just go with the flow. - Surprisingly, while this has always been one of my guiding ideas, it occurred to me this year that I wasn't actually doing this. In moments, yes. In some situations where I found myself confident and comfortable, yes. But overall? HA! You're looking at a perfectionist workaholic planner, here! You think I can just "go with the flow" without thinking it through first? In 2013, I made last minute decisions. I didn't book hotels for my whole trip to the States in advance, and used Hotwire once I figured out, just 2 days beforehand, how I would deal with an unplanned chunk of my trip. That was awesome. That was going with the flow. And it was so rewarding. I also made spur of the moment decisions that go against my usual personality trend. Like deciding to go out after I was already in my PJs, after the time I usually like to get home. Why? Because good friends encouraged me to. And while I like to say they peer pressured me into it, I peer pressured me into it. Why? Because the only way to be comfortable outside of your shell is to actually break out of it. They're baby steps, sure, but it's better than no steps at all. If I can do it while troubleshooting under pressure in my work life or during emergencies, why can't I do it in other situations without triggering a "fight or flight" response? So, in 2014, I will endeavour to just "go with the flow" in unknown situations and try not to freak out or make such a big deal out of it when I do. Everything always works out in the end if you have good intentions. 

5. Love is the answer. - Again, this is something I've always felt. In 2013, I actually found the right words to express it. So, your life sucks. You're broke. Your shower takes forever to heat up, and then gets cold within minutes. So, your friends are actually not your friends (again!) So - and y'all know you feel this way too - 5 friends got engaged, 3 got married, and 2 had babies. Oh, and another one just announced she's pregnant. Oh, and so-and-so got the job of their dreams, and this person from high school you just Facebook stalked is a doctor now?! What?! Yeah. We've all been there. We've all felt that way. (PS: those were fake stats.) It's okay to not be happy all the time. It's okay to be happy for someone yet, oddly, also not. This does not make you a bad person. Love is the answer. Love is always the answer. It's just that sometimes, you have to love yourself more than you love others. Most people, it seems, have the opposite problem: they love themselves more than they love others. For me, 2013 has been about realizing that I've gone too far on that path, and need to come back to me. Put myself before everyone else. Yup, we're back to saying "no" more. But realizing that you're doing it with love, for yourself, and respect, both for you and for the other person you're telling, in advance, that you wouldn't be at your best if you agreed to do yet another thing on that already busy day. Hopefully, that other person is also living with "love is the answer" as their guiding principle and they don't hold it against you. So, in 2014, I will endeavour to trust myself more. To reach into my heart, feel what I feel, allow myself to feel what I feel without prejudice, and let my instinct guide me. Because I know that by holding on to the belief that love is the answer, I can do anything. We can do anything. I can make my little world better, and hopefully inspire someone else to do the same, and this idea, this fundamental truth that love is the only way that it gets better... Hopefully, 2014 will see it spread to those who need it the most.

I don't make New Year's resolutions. First of all, I technically celebrate, like, 4 different new years? So it's hard to know when the "new" year begins and ends. The truth is, it doesn't. There is no clear-cut line in space and time that says, HEY! STOP EVERYTHING. CLEAN SLATE! every time the Earth orbits around the Sun. So this is probably the closest I get to making resolutions. I kinda just make them as I go, as life teaches me new lessons and as the opportunity arrises for more personal and professional development. (This is also why I don't diet, or believe in diets.)

Still, I'm looking forward to seeing what new challenges 2014 brings, and I'm hopeful for new experiences, good and bad, that will help me grow into a better, stronger, and happier person.

Here's to happy continuings! 

PS: Friends don't let friends drink and drive. Or get high and drive. Or drive when fatigued. Be safe out there tonight, friends. Don't take unnecessary risks! Hope y'all have a Happy New Year!

On making choices

I seem to be having an identity crisis these days. I hear it's quite common amongst others in my age group.

Many people have them upon reaching a major milestone or realizing a significant achievement. Some have one earlier in life, and others, much later. Some, like me, have them often. Apparently, it's a personality trait to be constantly searching for new, or bigger and better. Perhaps it is why my interests and ambitions are so varied... It keeps me feeling involved and evolved, growing yet dedicated to the task at hand.

Since the past few months have been so tumultuous for me, it's no wonder that finally submitting my thesis proposal would be a major source of relief. While everything else in my life is still a developing story, meeting my academic deadline is definitely good news. Yet, more than ever, I find myself wondering what's next. One bundle of stress has been replaced by a gazillion others.

Where does my future lie, I ask myself day in and day out. When waking up or trying really hard to fall asleep. When switching tabs and trying to get some work done. When doing the dishes or showering. When... Well, you get the point. It's a major source of worry for me.

As an overthinker and an overanalyzer, I've been picking out all my interests as they peak and asking myself if they're the path I want to follow. I love Kingtson dearly and have made many friends here, but let's face it, my career goals probably require a move. Then again, there's the possibility of staying in Kingston forever and ever, because I love it so.

I'll let you in on a not-so-secret... While I've been working on my Masters', I've also been applying to jobs that would fall under the "dream" category. Social media consultant positions in the sports industry, marketing, communications or social media director with pro sports organizations, even reporting at the London 2012 Olympic and Paralympic Games. Some applications have gone further than others - sometimes quite surprisingly! - but in the end, all roads have led to disappointment and doubt. Perhaps it's the "ongoing research" part of my CV or the tiny little fact that I can't legally work in the USA unless someone sponsors me. Or maybe I just suck at writing captivating cover letters for an HR audience - I do tend to aim them more towards Senior VPs. Or maybe, just maybe, I'm not good enough.

Because after all, that's the thought that always sparks identity crises, whether on the personal or professional front. "Maybe I'm not good enough."

And the worst part is, there's no way of truly getting an honest, accurate answer. People will rarely tell you to your face, and though rejection letters seem to be saying that you're not, we've all learned by now that sometimes, it's just because you weren't the right person at the right place at the right time who knows the right insider. Or at least, that's what they tell me. That and, "Don't give up!" or "Sometimes you have to take a step back to take a step forward," or any other similar supposedly encouraging clichés.

Let me be blunt. I am not a spoiled, stuck-up brat who thinks the world should be handed to me on a platter. But I've done my due diligence, and I'm tired of entry level positions that go nowhere. I know I can do the job, anyone who's ever worked with me knows I can do the job, heck! Even random network contacts on Twitter know I can do the job! And yet this road seems to lead nowhere. It's hard not to get discouraged. I will keep applying, but there's only so much disappointment and rejection one can take.

And so one must explore other avenues. Yes, I still crave work in the sports industry. I crave it like I do chocolate when I'm PMSing (or any time, really.) But the world doesn't stop spinning or wait for you to understand precisely what it is you need to get that little boost, gain that tiny little edge, and get you where you want and need to be to feel fulfilled professionally.

Other roads that seem to hold this promise include the previous mentioned "Stay in Kingston forever because I love it" scenario as well as the brand new and surprising (to me) "Pursue a PhD" option.

No, really! The girl who was afraid of completing a thesis is still here, but she is now freaking out about comps (comprehensive examinations), committing to a long-term research idea instead of a spontaneous one, quantitative courses like Statistics and Variables, and, more urgently, taking the GMAT or GRE standardized test. That's the big one. The barrier to entry, so to speak. At least from way over here, comps seem relatively benign in comparison to the big, looming, "better score high or forget about it" standardized test.

Yes, I'm aware there are courses and study guides and practice tests. Still. Fellow graduate students, when was the last time you took a closed book, closed environment exam? (Don't answer that, MBAs!) It's a scary scenario when it's been a while, and yet one I'm increasingly strongly considering. Or at least exploring. I've still got a thesis to write, after all, and I would really prefer a program that allowed me flexibility in my course plan so that I feel intellectually stimulated and challenged in all the right ways. And like I'm finally on track. So if you're aware of any excellent innovative Sports Management PhD programs in Canada or the USA, I'm all ears!

And then there's the Kingston plan. I've said it before (at least twice in this post alone!), I <3 Kingston. There's something about it that's charming and exciting. Perhaps the mix of old and new, the blend of city and country. Whatever it is, it repeatedly fills me with joy and childlike glee. Maybe I could build a life in Kingston, I think. Consult (social media), communicate (PR), start a business (CarShare Kingston). All three options are interesting and viable and have been suggested to me by other Kingston residents as well. But these feelings are eerily similar to ones I've felt before about the media industry and the sports industry, and we all know how that's working out.

If I were to choose Kingston, I think I would run for City Councillor in 2014, the next municipal elections. It would be interesting, challenging, stimulating, and it would make me feel like I'm accomplishing something important by representing my fellow residents at City Hall. It would also be a responsibility I would wholeheartedly enjoy and dedicate myself too.

These traits are also the ones friends and colleagues point out when I mention the possibility of doing a PhD. "You like research and you're good at it." It's true. I love digging, discovering, and sharing. I've often been told I would be a good teacher. I would like to think I'd be a better professor - I'd be teaching people who, for the most part, are in my classroom by choice. The only aspect of academia that I'm not 100% in tune with is the highly political process of funding applications and other higher education administrative games.

Maybe I'm an idealist, but I believe that most research has value, and that should be enough for funding agencies. I'm not sure where the money should come from, but I just don't like the thought of competing against my friends and colleagues every year, not just for money but for tenure. It gets to be damaging. Sure, I'm pretty competitive and I like to win. But I also like harmonious working environments and I feel like this process fosters quite the opposite in most departments.

In the end, I may choose a completely different path, perhaps one that hasn't even been revealed to me yet. Meanwhile, I'm struggling with the three roads in front of me. Doing nothing is not an option, though delaying a choice by defaulting to Kingston might be. At as now, there is no pressing urge to commit to a single road - except to stop the clock in my head from ticking annoyingly - and I will keep marching along on all three for as long as I can. But ultimately, a choice must be made, and as application deadlines creep increasingly closer, I must at least decide whether I will be deciding now or not.

Maybe I'm just impatient. Maybe I'm just letting various sources of stress gang up on me, overwhelming and confusing me. But this identity crisis is as real as any, and the planner in me wants to know now, so at least I can cross certain items of my to-do list, thereby reducing overall stress levels and allowing life to proceed at a totally tolerable, no longer terrible, operationally cautionary rhythm and rate.

As Douglas Adams would say, "DON'T PANIC!"

On summer

Is it September already? Welcome back to "real life", they tell me when they learn I'm in Grad School. After all, the beginning of September means the return to classes and homework, right? Then I mention that I'm a full-time, year-round student who has been working on research and writing papers all summer. Their response? Usually something along the lines of, "Oh."

For most grad students, the only difference between summer and the "school year" is that your supervisor likely isn't teaching and in fact, might be on vacation. Also, you probably aren't TAing, so you have more flexibility over your activities and whereabouts... as long as you get all your work done on time.

Understandably, the days all melt into one another, and the desire to take extended breaks on beautiful sunny days is often overwhelming. However, work is work and deadlines are deadlines, and at the end of the day/week/month/summer, it all has to get done.

I submitted my thesis proposal to my supervisor last week. THE big task on my summer to-do list will soon be crossed off, once I officially submit it to my soon-to-be-formed thesis proposal committee.

To me, this feels like the beginning of summer. I can finally move forward from all the drama, academic and otherwise, in my life and start fresh... More or less. Though my health issues aren't resolved yet, negative test results are a form of diagnosis, so we're getting closer. I'm feeling secure in my friendships and my connection with the Kingston community. And I really enjoyed my sports TV break, working the LPGA CN Canadian Women's Open in Montreal for CBC, despite the ridiculous weather.

I think I'm getting better at figuring myself out and what I want and need in life. This means I am finally allowing myself to put "me" first at times and do things for myself instead of letting people I like (or want to like me) walk all over me. (Granted, I never let them walk ALL over me, but I did give them much more leeway than they deserved.)

Life, my friends, is good. This is what growing up is all about. And this summer made me realize that you really do keep learning all life long, and you keep growing up, bit by bit, until your life comes to an end.

And now that summer has ended academically, it's time for me to catch up on all the little things you let slide while working away on projects or studying for exams. You know, the cleaning and sorting and cooking real food for dinner. Taking care of yourself and rewarding yourself for all your hard work by actually getting things done in other sectors of your life. This is what summer is all about.

My summer starts now.

On Time

A whole month has gone by, it seems, and these days more than ever, I am aware of the passing of time. It's not just the minutes and seconds of every day that seem to expire too fast or too slow, it is the implications of those moments.

In the past month, I've seen so many different explorations of "time". Not enough time in a day. Too much time to do something. Having the time of your life. At this point in time. Time goes by. In time. On time. Long-time. Feels like the first time. Time-sensitive material. Timely answers. Bedtime. Timeless magic. Having time to kill. Time standing still. Things changing over time. Overtime. Taking the time. Perfectly timed comebacks. Keeping time. Love that will last for all time. Until the end of time. In the meantime. Timing. Time management. Time-tracking. Time and time again. Time out.

Time to change.

That's the kicker, ain't it? No matter how time seems to be moving around you, it always boils down to deciding whether or not to change (tasks, ways of thinking, position, feelings...).

In the past month, I've had some wonderful times and some stressful times. Emotional times too. I went to the Taylor Swift concert in Montreal with an amazing friend, and also got to spend time with my family. I went to my cousin's beautiful wedding weekend and got to meet, re-meet and simply enjoy the company of my extended family. I took the time to explore Kingston a little bit more, the hidden sights and the touristy ones, alone, with a local friend, and with a visiting long-time friend. And through it all, I had the time of my life.

In the past month, I have also wished that time could just stop for a bit so I could catch up, catch my breath, and catch on. My health symptoms seem to have stabilised for the most part... until I get sudden, painful reminders that we haven't discovered their source or cause yet. Tests have ruled out some of the more obvious answers so now we're left wondering and doing more tests. At least I'm not spending half my day in the washroom anymore, at least not every day. But not knowing what foods to avoid and what is "safe" is definitely a pain - I can't predict when I will feel sick so I've adopted the bad habit of delaying eating to avoid symptoms. Not cool.

One of the tests we did was an allergy test. I've always been allergic to all the common triggers - dust, mold, pets, pollen, ragweed - but I wanted to get re-tested to see if the combination of never-ending allergy shots as a child and puberty might have desensitized me to some of those allergens. I also wanted to find out if I really was allergic to asparagus, as we'd suspected since the age of 2, when I had my first asthma attack after having it as my "new food of the day". Sure enough, some of my pollen allergies had disappeared over time. And I was so allergic to asparagus that I now have a couple of Epipens and am getting a MedicAlert bracelet - at least they're prettier these days then when I was a child! Also, the allergist tested my breathing, which was apparently not under control. Asthma meds have been upped but at least now that the doctor has prescribed additional measures, I can't be lazy about it. Time to turn the negative into the positive!

In the past month, I've also had some stressful times, trying to figure out if Queen's University and the Faculty Association will come to an agreement in time and avoid a strike or lockout. We should know more in the coming days, when the "No Board" deadline is activated. In the meantime, job action measures are creating delays not only in services but in my ability to get work done. It's hard to feel confident about investing time into putting together a thesis proposal when you know that if you have a quick question, you're going to have to wait a long time for an answer - two weeks turnaround time, to be exact. So I've been procrastinating, which no doubt has led to more stress. Tack on the stress of my health issues, making ends meet financially, the discovery of mold (which I'm allergic to) in my apartment (but that my landlord will likely do nothing about) and Pharaoh Ants (which are the hardest to get rid of, though my traps have been quite effective so far) in my kitchen, and you've got a bundle of sleepy, sleepless, restless, nerves. (That's me!)

Over time, stress leads to anxiety and other hyper-emotional reactions, so everything seems to have a heightened impact. Which leads to more stress, of course, and a greater desire for a time out from life. But "in real life", there are no time outs. So it's time to change. Time to buckle up and get my ducks in a row. Yes, work/life balance is important. Yes, a healthy mind thrives in a healthy body. But since I can't seem to control the body part of that equation, I'm going to focus on the mind. I'm going to take the time I need to reset myself - in effect, taking a "real life" time out - by letting others help me manage my time. I'm going to crawl back to Mommy and Daddy and let them take care of me for a little bit of time, and I'm not afraid to say so or ashamed of it.

Because time doesn't stand still.

Time is going by so quickly and I need more time in my day to make sure I get my work done on time. And at this point in time, it's time that I acknowledge the passage of time and take advantage of the little time that I have left to take a young adult time-out before it's time for me to be giving them out. And then, you can be sure that I won't have time to kill.

All in good time!

On extended deadlines

Ah, deadlines! Can't live with them, can't live without them! You know me. I thrive under pressure. I love love love deadlines. They don't, however, always love me.

Sometimes, a deadline is scheduled for the most inopportune time. For example, the 2011 World Partnership Walk fundraising deadline was set to June 15, which didn't give a busy graduate student like me much time to build momentum and really reach out to my usual donors. Luckily, that deadline was extended to June 30! So you've got 9 more days to contribute to ending global poverty by donating now: http://www.akfcnetcommunity.ca/netcommunity/NailaJ

100% of your donation, as you know, goes directly to longterm sustainable international development solutions that consider the environment and gender equality while dealing with core areas like health, education, community engagement, and fostering the development of civil societies.

These programmes are not cookie-cutter solutions. Instead, the Aga Khan Development Network, along with receptive government agencies and local partners, go to the affected communities and ask them what they need the most. Then, they help them develop the right solution for that village, train them to implement it themselves, and give them the resources to succeed and then teach this skill to surrounding villages in need.

It's a smart way to make sure everyone feels empowered and committed to improving their own lives and livelihoods. Yeah, it's pretty awesome. So today, tomorrow, or some time before the end of June, please donate to the World Partnership Walk and help me reach my $2,500 fundraising goal! I'm about halfway there and would love to see that fundraising thermometer animation overflow! Last year, I raised $2,000 with your help so I know we can make it happen!

When I walked the 5K Walk in Ottawa on June 12 - despite having a bad case of stomach flu - the organisers announced that Ottawa had reached its fundraising target. And, our team, the Kingston Hope-Raisers, won one of the Top Team awards! So far in 2011, the World Partnership Walk has raised over $6 million dollars across Canada! Click here to donate now and be a part of the solution to global poverty.

Together, we can change the world, one step at a time.

Please help me raise funds for the World Partnership Walk: http://www.akfcnetcommunity.ca/netcommunity/NailaJ

Thanks so much for your continued support!

On making a positive impact

With World Partnership Walk events taking place in three cities across Canada this weekend, I was inspired to post one last plea to help me eliminate global poverty. As you know by now, 100% of funds raised go directly to longterm sustainable international development solutions that help improve the lives and livelihoods of some of the poorest people in the world. Not one cent is spent on administration! Plus, your donation will help leverage additional funds from partners like the Canadian International Development Agency, who last year multiplied donations by an average factor of 6.

Just think! Your $50 donation became $300. All of it helped fund projects that are identified and implemented by local communities, targeting the areas they determine to be in greatest need and providing solutions like revitalizing a rural economy, ensuring clean water and sanitation, strengthening community-based organizations and educating new generations of girls and women. Just like that!

I raise funds for the World Partnership Walk because I want to make a positive impact on the world. I can't afford to give much, but I do what I can, volunteering my time and expertise as well. Please help me leave a legacy I can be proud of. Click here to donate now and give the gift of hope: http://www.akfcnetcommunity.ca/netcommunity/NailaJ

Together, we can end world poverty, one step at a time! Join me in Ottawa on June 12, 2011 at Major's Hill Park as we walk the Walk in symbolic support of those who walk daily for their basic necessities: drinkable water, an education, or work in the fields. In this beautiful setting, rain or shine, we will continue the legacy of the 17 women who started the World Partnership Walk in Vancouver 27 years ago. Since then, we have raised over $60 million dollars for the cause. How high can we take that number in 2011?

Thank you so much for your continued support. It means the world to me!

-Naila
http://www.akfcnetcommunity.ca/netcommunity/NailaJ

On Reading Week

Good news, everyone!

Reading Break has left me feeling more calm and collected than I have in months! And this more relaxed "ME" comes at the right time since March is going to be an absolute whirlwind of school writing, class presentations and paper drafting. Upcoming deadlines include leading a class discussion on March 3, and a research summary due on the same day, a class presentation on March 14, a first draft of a paper due on March 30 and another due on March 31.

And then in April, I've got papers due on April 8, April 11, and mid-month (flexible deadline). In other words, except for coming up for occasional breaths of fresh air, don't expect to see me out and about until past my birthday. At least the whole "Well, I've got to eat at some point!" reasoning will come in handy in terms of scheduling compulsory breaks. That and the aquafit classes that I've built-in to my schedule.

Thankfully, this past week has allowed to me get a good chunk of everyday class work and advance research and sourcing done before the deadline crunch really hits me. Surprisingly, instead of getting increasingly stressed as time went by and I wasn't able to meet my stringent self-imposed deadlines, I actually felt myself relaxing. How can I tell? Well, my chronic wrist pain has mostly dissipated and my posture feels less tense, despite basically sitting all week.

There are two or three events that I've committed to, despite my heavy schedule, and I'm sure they will be welcome distractions - and good for forcing me to get work done under pressure. Apart from an upcoming quickie Toronto weekend with the family, I'm also heading back to Montreal to catch a Habs game in March. Plus, there's the Limestone New Media Group meetup in March at my favourite Kingston restaurant, The Tango that I will most certainly be attending, provided I don't have a deadline the next day. The lovely group of people who actively participate in @lnmg activities have become my core of friends in this city, and I absolutely love them. Can't leave them hanging, now can I?

And on that note, back to class-assigned readings and longing for the summer months, when I will be able to expand my "currently reading" bookshelf to include non-academic literature. The sunshine and springtime can't come soon enough!